I'm alive!! hee hee.... no, seriously....
Okay, I started taking Fluoxetine, which is generic prozac, about 4 years ago. Around the same time I started dating Michael actually, which is not I think the CAUSE of my prescription needs, but possibly indicative of my deeply insecure and frazzled state of mind at the time. I was experiencing strong bouts of paranoid thinking, where I felt on a deep level that the person in the car driving next to me was actually criticizing me just by looking at me, that the gas attendant at the station was laughing at me when he waked away, that co-workers were talking about me when I walked into the office. I was a full time mom and a full time employee, I drove 50 miles a day to get Gabe to and from grandmas, I bought my first home, and Gabe and I lived on a budget that was tight enough to not allow any eating out but for a fast food joint on Sundays.
I have noticed this past year at least that, although the intense panicky attacks have not been happening again, I can still get just as freaked out about myself in relation to my weight, parenting, social skills, responsibleness, and yes sometimes I do wonder if someone is chuckling at me. More often it just crosses my mind that I am falling short of where I "should" be. It seemed the effectiveness of the drug was waning.
The FIRST thing I find important is that I have lost these hives that I have been suffering from for at least a year. YAY! Seems my body was rejecting something in the fluoxetine that was causing welts and severe itchiness in random places on my body almost every day.
How do I feel? I am... well, I seem to be crying at silly things! It's almost like a slight case of hormonal imbalance, but it feels more REAL that PMS. What seems a fitting hypothesis is that my body is learning how to rebalance its emotions on its own, and that may take some time. I get crabbier, Gabe's temper tantrums but the CRAP out of me instantly, I feel MUCH more aware of how judgemental I can be towards others. I need less sleep! Well, I did until I got sick again, but I am recovering.
What I feel is the potential to do more self healing, on a deeper level, because I am training my own body how to self balance. I have been considering therapy again... the trick with that is that I need a particular therapist - one that can be most beneficial with all the therapy I already have and the knowledge already in me - and that takes so much time, weeding out therapists. Ooh, that sounded like an excuse! I suppose it was, my to do list is enormous, and one more to do right now feels too big...
Cheek kisses to all my friends and family. I am forever grateful to have you in my life.
2 comments:
I am always supportive of your decisions love. I feel that it may have been a better idea to have consulted a therapist first before stopping... but seeing that you haven't seen one in..... well... you didn't say when the last time was, but I am sure it has been years.... I can also understand why stopping also seems logical. While I agree that the taking of medicine is good to restore balance in your mind and body, I am also think that anything that you must take with the rest of your life may not be a good thing. It is probably just the optimist in me that thinks that with time and conditioning, either physically or mentally or emotionally, one can be able to lessen or even stop taking prescriptions. But... I am no Dr.... just a believer of hope and optimism.
I can only speak for myself, however I think that your family and friends would feel the same. I will, with all my heart, love you and do to the absolute best of my ability to help you grow to be the person you want to be. Be it by love and affection, silence and distance, firm resolution or encouraging support, whatever the situation may call for. You would think I would be afraid knowing that I am nowhere near perfect myself and have my own insecurities that I must face too, but I am not. I love you, and knowing that undeniable truth gives me confidence and faith and trust in what I know I can do, you can do, and we can do.
...I'm not saying that I am some sort of Superman who is here to save you.... No, I am just a man...one that loves you.
Aww! Wow Joe. How do I follow that? Lol, you're awesome man.
Shar Shar, I can totally understand the paranoia you feel/felt. It is so strange to read your blogs sometimes because it is as if you literally plucked things like that right out of my head. It happens to me especially at night when I'm driving. I too have noticed that it hasn't been quite as bad lately though.
Temper tantrums are another thing that get to me too. I love my children, I swear I do, but when they pull that crap I instantly start to see red and want to kick puppies or something. Luckily you and I realize it effects us negatively and can recognize our reactions. In the second that realization moment hits it helps give us the extra second to take a deep breath mentally and physically and try to regain our zen or at least not lose it completely.
As far as meds, we are poor peoples. Fortunately those types of meds aren't a requirement for us to not die or anything. Unfortunately if they do help it makes not being able to afford them annoying.
I'm not currently on anything either because of money. I have to give you and Joe some of the credit deserved for my sanity. Thanks to you both and a few other great friends I have support I've never had in my whole life. I know absolutely that if I have a problem of any kind I can talk to someone who actually gives a damn now. Not saying Jason doesn't, he does but he just can't be there for me all the time and not for certain things as I'm sure you understand.
As far as deciding on a therapist. Once you pick one make him/her do their homework before they see you. Print out your blogs, emails, or any other writings that would give them an insight into who you are, how you feel, what you've dealt with, etc. Make them read it before they see you or at least before they see you a second time. Thats something they get paid to do, make them work for your money girl! Also if you do that don't feel self conscience about it. They cannot tell anyone any thing you confide in them as a patient whether its spoken or written. They won't judge you, berate you, or even look at you funny. They are paid to help you.
Never forget though that even if you try seeing a therapist and it doesn't work out for whatever reason we will still be here for you. *hugs*
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