identifying issues

I have reunited with an old, old behavior of mine.  I see a pattern.  Within the last year I have had four times where I turned to physical validation to escape my insecurities.  Each time alcohol was involved.  Each time, in the moment, it felt so completely okay, and ended either with me feeling even more insecure and out of place, or one time even ruined a friendship (but it was a destructive friendship so I am probably better for it).

This identity of mine, this need for people to accept me and desire me, is old old old.  When I was younger, it worked for me for a very long time though.  When I was growing up I learned that basically the only way I was going to get any acceptance was to be the Marilyn Monroe of my social circles.  Modernized, of course; embracing sexual freedom and not being dependent on any one person to "complete" me.

Years of self abuse, physical and emotional, have occurred. In a non self pitying way I can see that I am both more damaged and in other ways more healed than I was previously in my life.  My identity being wrapped up in getting that validation though, is still a tangled, gnarly mess.

My living situation is odd.  I live with a very depressed person.  He still looks at me as someone who can be HIS validation.  He doesn't yet want to grow out of his own feelings that he needs someone else to complete him.  His feelings that he puts towards me are weighty, and bring me down when I don't fight them.  Sometimes it is like I am battling my own issues and someone else's at the same time.  I wish living alone was a simple, clean solution, but it is not, I can't afford it, and I don't like the idea of moving now just to move again a year from now when hopefully the man I do love plans on moving to California.  I need to deal with the situation at hand, not run away.

So... what is my solution?  First... I need to learn how to not act on impulses.  I need to learn to implement my schedule of self care and stick to it.  I need to look to the end of a choice, and try to see all the possible consequences.  Very important, I need to acknowledge that how I am feeling when Im drinking is not necessarily how I feel when I am sober, and to stay with people I know I feel comfortable being myself around.   Mostly though, and here is the one that sounds sooo hokey; I need to self parent, cuz what I am wishing I had was a nurturing, compassionate, loving adult in my life to guide me and support me, but since I am a GROWN UP, I am supposed to be that for myself.  Gah, just writing that makes me cry!  This grown up stuff sucks man!

So... off now into a shower, and pushing myself to clean up this hell hole of an apartment.

morning fuzzies

My thoughts... my brain.. always running, flying off in multiple directions, makes it hard to go to sleep at night.

What frustrates me the most about my mental capacity is that it is so controlled by my hormones and whatever other chemicals in my body change my daily emotional state.  One day I can have something deeply personal all figured out, like the oneness of life, how we are all connected, and feeling so content in my little place in it all.  The next morning I can wake up and be paranoid that I am too fat, too brain damaged, too slow witted, too *insert myriad of other delusions here* to really fit in or be accepted anywhere.  

IS it like this for everyone???