perception

OKay, I have an appointment with a FEMALE STUFF doctor on Tuesday to start investigating my hormone levels to see if they are the cause of my emotional chaos. I wonder though... have I only been this off balance since I went off my meds? It didn't seem that they were helping me out that much when I was on them. And the stupid hives on my legs have pretty much disappeared, reoccurring once for a week or two. My emotions SEEM hormonally charged though, that's the reason for my wanting to investigate more. What is it they call it, pre-menopausal, peri-menopausal...

What I've noticed MOST of late is a propensity towards fatigue again, which slows my brain down as well, makes me grouchy when I want to be able to function better. All from stress? Possibly. It absolutely reminds me though of when I was around 21-22 and living in SF and was introduced to meth and how I felt it solved all my problems, made me feel normal, energetic, like I could actually KEEP UP with everyone else for once instead of my tiredness holding me back. The fact that I felt like this at such a young age.... makes me wonder about the hormonal-ness of it all. Seems it might go much deeper than that.

So, yes.... the thought of therapy is running through my brain more and more. Honestly though... I analyze and study myself so much, ti will... um.. it... crap, it will just be a huge TASK to find someone who is a good fit with me. The therapist I was seeing with Michael as a couples counsellor I mostly agreed to keep seeing because Michael liked her and trusted her, and I felt this was more important than believing I found someone who was able to offer ME insight.

Anyway... all my thoughts of myself are so clouded with self-judgement, this makes it really hard for me to see the truth in situations around me, even the truth of my own motivation or feelings.

I have made my blog page my home screen, so evey time I turn on my browser it will open up, encouraging me to take just a little time to study and discuss myself.

Why is life good today? I feel that my situation in life is a safe one for my son and I. He is adjusted in school, we are not afraid for our safety in our neighborhood, we know we have friends and family that love us. My son KNOWS he is loved and important, smart, able to learn and grow. I remember my mom always giving me the bedroom in an apartment where there was only one... and I completely understand that.

Oh... speaking of mom; she brought up something I said on our last beach trip, that if her and I were the same age we would have been great friends. Seems that stuck with her. Honest though, how cool it would have been to have a female friend who understood all my feelings and internal struggles. Of course, what formed me was growing up with her as my mom, so the dichotomy of it all is that if she was my age I would have had another mom and... blah blah blah... heh heh. Anyway, it was nice to hear that reverberating in her head. She loves and appreciates me. That is way cool. :)

not another dream!

It's the ones that seems important, or uninterpretable, that I want to write down.  So :p

My dream was watching my son follow in my footsteps, literally, and forget to do his own life.  Him and I were at his school.  There were things I needed to take care of I guess, because I was staying there and walking around his campus, trying to find teachers and such... and Gabriel was staying with me.  Sooner than later it was after noon, after their lunch time, and he was still with me, and I was actually waiting in a line to talk to his teacher, when she saw him in line and called him over to inquire why he wasn't in class.  It all sort of shocked me then, I guess I wasn't really paying attention to his needs or his schedule.  He wanted to hang with me and I didn't mind that at all.  Realizing that I had been so wrapped up in my to do's that I had completely not paid attention to making sure HE took care of HIS to do's... it was just strange.  I felt dirty, like a bad parent who has been called out.

So that was not a fun dream!  Who wants to dream about being a selfish, self absorbed parent??

childhood idols

It's been filtering through my mind lately, this though about my idols growing up.  It was cool to be hard.  I don't think I ever was as a kid; I was soft, affectable, feelings easily hurt.  But I aspired to be that gal that was super fun and witty, yet had the ability to be unmarred by other peoples stupid actions, sort of rising above it all.  Later that morphed into trying to emulate the really selfish people.  Madonna I worshipped because of her hard edged self-centeredness.  I believed that if you acted like you deserved the best treatment, you would get it.  Unfortunately, my childhood had already preordained that I should play the victim role; the misunderstood and blamed one, the scapegoat.  I perpetually laid myself down to be walked on, so that I could recreate patterns from my childhood that were comfortable I guess.  Each time I would follow this by blaming myself for not being hard enough.

How many years of my life did I spend trying to be someone I am not?  Most of my life.  Somehow having a child allowed me to open up to the possibility that I am already who I am supposed to be, inside, buried underneath so many years of self effacement.  I look at my child and I see... I see a beautiful, amazing thing that is strong and delicate at the same time.  I look at him and I think of all the shame based identities I took inside of myself, and I think how could I have done that, if I was as glorious and amazing a child as this child is, how could anyone have wanted to destroy my spirit?

In my soul I can feel what is real truth.  In my heart I can feel what connects us all.  My sons spirit glows with love, he loves that he is so loved, as he should, as should we all.

keeps shaking my reality

So, UGH, another dream!  What is up with me having these dreams that affect me so much in the morning?  It's like a constant these days, that I need a little adjustment time in the morning to re realize what's real and what was dreamt.  I have NO idea what that means psychologically or anything.

So LAST night, I had a streaming dream (it kept coming back when I would go back to sleep) that I lost my car in a downtown parking lot, or that I lost my son in a residential neighborhood.  The losing my son ended up being more earth shattering (I've had dreams before where I lost my car, it wasn't where I parked it, or I forgot where I parked it). 

The police would only help me if there was a body to identify.  I kept "forgetting" that my son was missing whilst getting into my day to day activities.  I had NO idea how to look for a missing child without help, like a search crew.  I walked around yelling "GABRIEL".  I woke up numerous times having to remind myself that in this reality there was no missing child that I was forgetting about, that he was with family in our neighbor state, safe.

On the last episode of the dream, there was a man at the intersection where I last saw my son, and he had three tracking dogs, and was magically there to help me.  One of the dogs grabbed his scent and almost immediately directed us to the holes in the street, to under the street, the sewer I guess.  We somehow pried up a manhole, and I yelled "gabriel" into it, and LO, there he was!  He was all oily, but in very good spirits for having been underground and alone without food or water for three days.  So... *sigh*.... I woke up so severely confused and heart-shaken.

I did note that all THREE cats were snuggled in with me when I awoke.  Did they know?  I twas quite comforting.  NOw of course I want nothing more than to stay home all day and nurture myself, for I feel that I have suffered a very real near loss.

I was full of inspiration this morning, but I went on to twitter first, and was amazed to see I had followers I had no idea about.  I got so caught up in checking them out that time got away and now I must leave soon to take the spawn to his LAST day of school as a first grader!  I took him out yesterday and splurged, got him a digital camera that does a nice amount of video too onto a 2 gb sd card.  It is a sweet little camera with user friendly cartoony icons, the brand is not coming to me right this second.  It ends in "ax", that is what I can remember.  From Wolf I also got him the two year protection service plan which will repair ANY damage.  Smart purchase that insurance I thought, for a soon to be 7 year old.

Okay, I had a dream last night.  It was all about the sons last day of school, and my memory.  The dream started with me at work and it was nearing 5:00 p.m.   think I realized that I was supposed to pick up Gabeish at 11:40 and started panicking that I would have missed the pick up AND that no one called me, when I realized he was there at the office with me.  I was n a deeply puzzled state, because I realized I had no memory of anything before the present, no memory of getting him to school, getting to the office, picking him back up, anything.  It was seriously freaking me out.  So much so that there was a deep deep sense of relief in me when I finally wriggled in bed and saw my bedroom window, which dragged me far enough into wake land to realize it was a dream.  The most alarming thing of the dream is the sense of panic it instilled in me, the WEIGHT of the relief was solid enough to actually cut with scissors I'm sure.

There were other things in the dream too.  Monica had bought a huge amount of chocolate ingestibles, I assume for her trip to LA, and the fridge was full of cookies, chocolate milk, little cream filled bite sized chocolate thingys.  I succumbed, eating handfuls of snacks.  Her dogs were blocked off to half of the downstairs of the house too, doors were shut and couches and pillows were stacked up in childhood fort style, to keep them from the rest of the house.   Neither of these things would ever happen in real life.

So now it is getting later and I want to shower before I venture out into the "THEM" that is this community of man I live in.  I want to stay home today!  I want to write!  I want to craft!  I want to collect massive amounts of cat hair on my back side from lounging on my bed!  And for your viewing pleasure, to go with my wants list, here is my baby Spackle watching me knit the other day.  You can almost see the evil glint in his eyes as he fights the urge to slay my yarn.