I'm alive!! hee hee.... no, seriously....
Okay, I started taking Fluoxetine, which is generic prozac, about 4 years ago. Around the same time I started dating Michael actually, which is not I think the CAUSE of my prescription needs, but possibly indicative of my deeply insecure and frazzled state of mind at the time. I was experiencing strong bouts of paranoid thinking, where I felt on a deep level that the person in the car driving next to me was actually criticizing me just by looking at me, that the gas attendant at the station was laughing at me when he waked away, that co-workers were talking about me when I walked into the office. I was a full time mom and a full time employee, I drove 50 miles a day to get Gabe to and from grandmas, I bought my first home, and Gabe and I lived on a budget that was tight enough to not allow any eating out but for a fast food joint on Sundays.
I have noticed this past year at least that, although the intense panicky attacks have not been happening again, I can still get just as freaked out about myself in relation to my weight, parenting, social skills, responsibleness, and yes sometimes I do wonder if someone is chuckling at me. More often it just crosses my mind that I am falling short of where I "should" be. It seemed the effectiveness of the drug was waning.
The FIRST thing I find important is that I have lost these hives that I have been suffering from for at least a year. YAY! Seems my body was rejecting something in the fluoxetine that was causing welts and severe itchiness in random places on my body almost every day.
How do I feel? I am... well, I seem to be crying at silly things! It's almost like a slight case of hormonal imbalance, but it feels more REAL that PMS. What seems a fitting hypothesis is that my body is learning how to rebalance its emotions on its own, and that may take some time. I get crabbier, Gabe's temper tantrums but the CRAP out of me instantly, I feel MUCH more aware of how judgemental I can be towards others. I need less sleep! Well, I did until I got sick again, but I am recovering.
What I feel is the potential to do more self healing, on a deeper level, because I am training my own body how to self balance. I have been considering therapy again... the trick with that is that I need a particular therapist - one that can be most beneficial with all the therapy I already have and the knowledge already in me - and that takes so much time, weeding out therapists. Ooh, that sounded like an excuse! I suppose it was, my to do list is enormous, and one more to do right now feels too big...
Cheek kisses to all my friends and family. I am forever grateful to have you in my life.
