The anxiety med the new Psychiatrist had put me on was Buspar... we started at 5 mg pills twice a day, went to two pills twice a day, and then up to three, where I then learned that it is indeed the Buspar that is making me feel irrationally angry and hostile. I have bumped myself back down to 2 and will then go to 1, and am trying to get an earlier day to see the psychiatrist.
It baffles me that I feel most days that life is too big, that I want mostly to hide. It pisses me off atually and I think it is absolutely unfair, many people never feel like this and I have to experience it every day to more or lesser degrees.
A good, good friend of mine was here for a week with the intention of helping me purge my excess stuff around the house, thus helping clear my mind and life of clutter. We ended up socializing and relaxing the whole week, and this too ended up being something I very much needed and was good for me. Here I am though still sitting in my apartment full of clutter and chores and dust, and possibly even feeling a little sorry for myself. No one can tackle this for me damn it. Unless of course I decide to have someone come in like my mom used to when I was 9 or 10... "you have 1/2 an hour to clean your room and after that everything not put away goes in the dumpster". it was the BEST way to purge my toys!
I should take a look at my long term to do list, I bet I can cross off one or two things on there. Like my budget, got that done.
There is something about my job that I am not enjoying, I am not finding it fulfilling. Over the past year I have actually gotten a good handle on more tasks, more paperwork, have a more cohesive grasp on what I am capable of and how I am an active part of the work my advisors do. Yet somehow it still feels lacking. Finances s NOT something I enjoy. I have always told myself that it's the challenges of the job that will keep me interested in it though, learning new things and handling more and more responsibility. There is an underlying flatness though in the work I do. Numbers and money do not get me all worked up. Perhaps it is the fact that I work so hard to fully understand the things I do and yet I still struggle financially. The payoff is not "financial freedom", but just surviving. yeah, yeah, Im not scraping together $2 to buy a bag of rice anymore, but I do get down to $5 in my bank account with two bills still unpaid and I watch the gas line in the car hoping it makes it til pay day. If I don't remember to pack a lunch there is no stopping at Subway instead because seriously, $7 for a frikken salad??
Running is free.
The library is free.
Again, it always seems to come down to me wanting time off of WORK so that I can adjust my LIFE to new ways of living it... but that is not an option, and therefor I am in a constant state of feeling that it is all TOO much to tackle at once, and I wish I could just stay in bed.
