forgotten critters

I had a dream lat night that included a reoccurring item; a back room where I had bunnies, ferrets, umm, something that was attacking the bunnies... other fluffies... all that had been left and forgotten in a back bedroom. God, even just retelling it now makes me a little ill. Sometimes I dream about this house, I think.. oh I dont know, some how my dad factors into it, my real dad. In a previous dream someone had left behind all these animals and i had to take care of them because... because I was there, and no one else was going to (did I write about this dream before?). In last nights dream, I had long forgotten about these animals, and went into the back room to examine something in the back yard. And LO, there are these animals that are Im sure starving and completely dehydrated. It makes no sense they were even alive. A bunny was in the jaws of.. OH, maybe it was a cat! A big cat had it's mouth on the bunnies neck, and I pulled it off and held the bunny in my arms, petting it and making soothing tones, and it seemed okay, it's legs thumping on me a bit like bunnies do. And I realized I had totally neglected these animals in my back room, and couldn't believe they weren't dead. I also remembered that this was not the first time I had done this. I was in a state of dazed confusion, regret, and fear.

Wow.. am I really that overwhelmed? That is so heavy, man...

control

I feel controlled by my emotions. Is it like that for everyone? I Have a good day because my emotions coincide with the things I want to accomplish. I have a bad day when my emotions prevent me from doing the things I want to do, and instead sort of push me into being lazy, or even so TIRED that I just have to lay down and/or sleep most of the day. Then I have the self critical feelings that come in and bring me down after spending a day doing nothing-much-of-anything.

Yesterday the morning started out nice... cozy in bed with coffee, watching Lost and Dollhouse. Dishes, park, reading, then home to get more work done, when suddenly a WALL of tired hit me and *BAM* I was incapacitated for the remainder of the day.

This morning I am fighting the urge to stay home and in bed all day. I have this overbearing feeling that I need a day of nothing. Where does that feeling come from? I feel like it gets in my way.

So amidst all this struggling with having top push myself or give in, I have my food issues. If I stuck to "plan" and ate what is listed on my daily food menu, I would lose weight. Easy as pie. When I don't, I gain back. Then it takes me those 5 work days to lose what I lost, only to hit another weekend and lose the control... What impulses am I acting on? THe tiredness and the eating seem to go hand in hand... I dunno. Feel a little like my head is spinning with all this control/loss of control crap.

Go to a new psychiatrist Friday.