Ever since I have gone on the Nutrisystem food thing, I feel like my mood swings have been greater. This is so not neccessariy true though, since I have been on nutrisystem for two weeks, and I think the time span that I am able to reflect on is limited to about two weeks.
I feel like I never get a grasp on how I really feel about myself, like it's always shifting back and forth, up and down. I can be feeling like I am very much on top of my life (which basically is a huge to do list), only to go to bed one night and "realize" (meaning; swing into another mood) that I am in fact backsliding into old behaviors and digging some hole I am in deeper. How does one really get to see reality when everything is clouded by self critisism or rosey glasses? ACK!!
It is as if I am constantly in need of a "get away from it all" weekend... but to feel like this every weekend? I need a life coach! Perhaps... perhaps this is something to address with a counsellor? But when I think of seeing a counsellor again, I think, "when on earth will I fit that in?".
My house is one jigantic pile of things that need to be addresed, tackled, completed. Avoidance is my only solace, because even on a day like today when I get a moderate amount of things accomplished, I can still go to bed thinking of the monumental amount of tasks that lie ahead. Especially on a Sunday, because Sunday is the day when I can no longer just focus on "me" and "house" stuff, but must prioritize JOB work, so mst of the "me" stuff gets put on hold, only to be lying in wait next Saturday morning when I finally pull myself out of bed and happen to let my mind drift into the "what should I do this weekend" zones of my reality.
Eating.... spending money I don't have... drinking and dancing... these things take me out and away from all the to-do's that seem to weigh me down.. but they have negative side affects, or consequences, that I am unhappy with. When I think about this stuff my eyes start to sting with stress tears. it is a really really sucky thing to be in a constant state of pressure. HOW does one make life NOT like this??
But you kow... I think there are days, or days srung together which make periods.. where I do NOT feel like this. I have no idea what makes it different. Perhaps staying on track with eating healthy, getting daily (yes Shardaun DAILY) excercise, making sure to do all the self care things every day like brushing my teeth, shaving, keeping my nails tidy, cleaning my hair.. things that make me FEEL good about being in my own body.
We tackled a bit more of my son's room today ... weeding out toys he doesn't play with, organizing the ones he does. It helps him appreciate the things he has; as soon as I was able to organize all the clothes and accesories he has for his bears he started playing with them, and he hasn't touched those in ages. The NEXT big thing I need to tackle is all my sewing and craft stuff. i seriously need to just get rid of crap I have not used in so many years. The PILE in the corner that was originally set up to be my sewing area is the most dismal area in the apartment now that Gabe's room is clean.
Oh how I ramble. I ramble beause I want to make sense of my saddened feelings tonight, but I don't think it will happen so quickly. Perhaps I will look into seeing a counsellor again. i could use some direction, and I feel as if I am in a slightly older, or perhaps wiser frame of mind, to be open to different levels of learning and awareness.
Last thing... while brushing my teeth tonight and having my hair pulled back off my ace, I noticed a stunning thing; I have MANY more white hairs than I used to, all sprinkled within my brown roots and making my hair look like it is actually off of someone elses head, since MNE has never looked like that before. They are beautiful! Like little strands of silver woven into my hair! If only I could keep those white hairs and still dye the rest red.
