horrible dream

I dreamt that I neglected tens and tens of little furry animals. it was horrendous. I was with some other folks and we were needing to get soewhere, when suddenly I reamembered that there was a whole upstairs in this houseof mine (that I had been away freom) that was full of caged critters I had for some reason taken over the care of and I had not been there in three days, during a heat wave. So I went up there, on our way to take Gabe to one of his acting classes, and everyone was out of water and food, and many were dead or suffering extremely.
One cage housed hamsters and sugar gliders, and something like miniature moles. The moles had all pretty much died, and in their place was a teeming hive of those awful pincher bugs, those ear wigs.... eewww!!! I put a bowl of ..omg it was cheetos!... down for the hamsters, and the pincher bugs took over it. I had to ask someoe else to take are of those, because I hat them so much I couldn't go near them.
Another cage had this huge half cat half bunny. He was overheated and grouchy, big and black and fluffy. I took him out of the cage to soothe him and thought he was going to attack me.
I ended up cleaning up and restocking 10 out of the 40 or 50 cages in like an hour, and Gabe had totally missed his class. I felt neglectful, flakey, rresponsible, and evil because of the suffering I had caused. What a horrible thing to wake up from!!
I feel like I should be allowed to go back to sleep this morning and have pleasant dreams!

positive versus negative

Oh, it is 7 a.m. already.... not so much time to write, but a start is better than a ...umm.. a non start.

When was the last time I wrote?  (tuns to look), September 11th?!? Holy crap man.  What has happened since then?

I have reoccurring hives.  First time in my life.  Of course doctor has no idea what they are from.  Isn't that status quo from doctors?  Most likely stress I hear.  So it takes physical manifestations for me to acknowledge that I suffer from stress.  LOL.  After weeks of thinking things out and beating myself up for this lazy day or that undone to-do list, I came to an idea to try and NOT negate myself anymore.  If I made a choice, a choice to say NOT get whatever task done but instead lounge in bed half sleeping for half a day, then THAT is the choice I made, and it was a successful one, because I DID it.  My reasons for making my choices may be fuzzy to me, and I can explore these things, but to criticize my choice is ... well, it's silly really.  All it serves is to put myself in a place where I feel "wrong", or broken, not working or functional.  All of these things are VERY far from the truth.  I am a person, connected to all other persons and all life.  I breathe, I move, I eat, I sleep, I am aware, therefor I function, and quite well!  To put myself down for my choices is to say that whatever experiences I have had in my life that have shaped me into who I am and create my chains of thought that lead me to make said choices are invalid or worthless.  And when it comes down to that, I completely disagree.  My experiences throughout my life have created a wonderful, thinking, conscientious woman, and I feel the spark that lies within me, that lies within us all.  I can find that quiet place inside that exists without words or filters, that connects me to all others... therefor, I am not broken.  My choices are valid.  I do not make mistakes.  Sometimes I don't fully understand all the factors that make me choose what I choose, and that is where I continue to grow.

And life goes on eh?

Okay!  7:13.... must.... pull myself away from the computer, go forth and be a productive member of society!

Today I will venture over to Bethums to entertain and amuse her in her state of brokenness and drug induced lethargy.  As long as she doesn't ask me to COOK anything.... ;)