forgotten critters

I had a dream lat night that included a reoccurring item; a back room where I had bunnies, ferrets, umm, something that was attacking the bunnies... other fluffies... all that had been left and forgotten in a back bedroom. God, even just retelling it now makes me a little ill. Sometimes I dream about this house, I think.. oh I dont know, some how my dad factors into it, my real dad. In a previous dream someone had left behind all these animals and i had to take care of them because... because I was there, and no one else was going to (did I write about this dream before?). In last nights dream, I had long forgotten about these animals, and went into the back room to examine something in the back yard. And LO, there are these animals that are Im sure starving and completely dehydrated. It makes no sense they were even alive. A bunny was in the jaws of.. OH, maybe it was a cat! A big cat had it's mouth on the bunnies neck, and I pulled it off and held the bunny in my arms, petting it and making soothing tones, and it seemed okay, it's legs thumping on me a bit like bunnies do. And I realized I had totally neglected these animals in my back room, and couldn't believe they weren't dead. I also remembered that this was not the first time I had done this. I was in a state of dazed confusion, regret, and fear.

Wow.. am I really that overwhelmed? That is so heavy, man...

control

I feel controlled by my emotions. Is it like that for everyone? I Have a good day because my emotions coincide with the things I want to accomplish. I have a bad day when my emotions prevent me from doing the things I want to do, and instead sort of push me into being lazy, or even so TIRED that I just have to lay down and/or sleep most of the day. Then I have the self critical feelings that come in and bring me down after spending a day doing nothing-much-of-anything.

Yesterday the morning started out nice... cozy in bed with coffee, watching Lost and Dollhouse. Dishes, park, reading, then home to get more work done, when suddenly a WALL of tired hit me and *BAM* I was incapacitated for the remainder of the day.

This morning I am fighting the urge to stay home and in bed all day. I have this overbearing feeling that I need a day of nothing. Where does that feeling come from? I feel like it gets in my way.

So amidst all this struggling with having top push myself or give in, I have my food issues. If I stuck to "plan" and ate what is listed on my daily food menu, I would lose weight. Easy as pie. When I don't, I gain back. Then it takes me those 5 work days to lose what I lost, only to hit another weekend and lose the control... What impulses am I acting on? THe tiredness and the eating seem to go hand in hand... I dunno. Feel a little like my head is spinning with all this control/loss of control crap.

Go to a new psychiatrist Friday.

perception

OKay, I have an appointment with a FEMALE STUFF doctor on Tuesday to start investigating my hormone levels to see if they are the cause of my emotional chaos. I wonder though... have I only been this off balance since I went off my meds? It didn't seem that they were helping me out that much when I was on them. And the stupid hives on my legs have pretty much disappeared, reoccurring once for a week or two. My emotions SEEM hormonally charged though, that's the reason for my wanting to investigate more. What is it they call it, pre-menopausal, peri-menopausal...

What I've noticed MOST of late is a propensity towards fatigue again, which slows my brain down as well, makes me grouchy when I want to be able to function better. All from stress? Possibly. It absolutely reminds me though of when I was around 21-22 and living in SF and was introduced to meth and how I felt it solved all my problems, made me feel normal, energetic, like I could actually KEEP UP with everyone else for once instead of my tiredness holding me back. The fact that I felt like this at such a young age.... makes me wonder about the hormonal-ness of it all. Seems it might go much deeper than that.

So, yes.... the thought of therapy is running through my brain more and more. Honestly though... I analyze and study myself so much, ti will... um.. it... crap, it will just be a huge TASK to find someone who is a good fit with me. The therapist I was seeing with Michael as a couples counsellor I mostly agreed to keep seeing because Michael liked her and trusted her, and I felt this was more important than believing I found someone who was able to offer ME insight.

Anyway... all my thoughts of myself are so clouded with self-judgement, this makes it really hard for me to see the truth in situations around me, even the truth of my own motivation or feelings.

I have made my blog page my home screen, so evey time I turn on my browser it will open up, encouraging me to take just a little time to study and discuss myself.

Why is life good today? I feel that my situation in life is a safe one for my son and I. He is adjusted in school, we are not afraid for our safety in our neighborhood, we know we have friends and family that love us. My son KNOWS he is loved and important, smart, able to learn and grow. I remember my mom always giving me the bedroom in an apartment where there was only one... and I completely understand that.

Oh... speaking of mom; she brought up something I said on our last beach trip, that if her and I were the same age we would have been great friends. Seems that stuck with her. Honest though, how cool it would have been to have a female friend who understood all my feelings and internal struggles. Of course, what formed me was growing up with her as my mom, so the dichotomy of it all is that if she was my age I would have had another mom and... blah blah blah... heh heh. Anyway, it was nice to hear that reverberating in her head. She loves and appreciates me. That is way cool. :)