30 day writing challenge *DAY 1*

I thought it would be beneficial to my mental state if I made a 30 day commitment to myself to write. Something. Every day. It's 5 minutes til 8 p.m. and I finally opened this blog page. Okay OKAY I will write.... something... sheesh.

Wednesday nights Abe goes and bowls. It's a great thing. He gets out of the house and does something he loves with other people. I get to spend time with my son. We already have a tradition of getting junk food for dinner and watching a movie. Tonight it's ICE CREAM for dinner and Gulliver's Travels. Gabe loves Jack Black. In fact I think he just said 5 minutes ago "Best comic person ever!".

We went in to get my car finally registered in Florida two weeks ago. There is a military waiver for the huge one-time state registration, if we got the car registered within 6 months of Abe's retirement date, and given that we lived in the state of Florida before he retired. It hit me while we were in the tax assessors office, omg we have lived here 7 months already. That's over 1/2 a year! And while I feel settled in our home, everything else still feels new, even transitory, not stable. I've spent more time hiding out in the house then getting out and going through all that obligatory, droll, awkward getting-to-really-know-people stuff so that I can build solid friendships.

There are good activities in place to help me, and us. Gabe and I have started going to this Unitarian Universalist church in Pensacola, and it's the perfect place to be. Church is REALLY big thing here. I worried Gabe felt more alienated from his peers because we did not subscribe to any doctrine. So I found a place to GO to CHURCH where we don't have to! It was rough for me until I got stabilized on the newest medication my Pdoc has me on, Seroquel. Now my panic has subsided and I am starting to actually talk to peop

le there.

I also have a therapist, and though we still can't really afford it, we have decided it is necessary. I go every week, and every other week Abe comes with me.

I enjoy my job. A lot. Strange, I am doing the same thing I was doing in Cali, but it's funner here. Perhaps Tom, my new boss, let's me do more and learn more. Perhaps it's because I'm in a real office instead of someone's spare bedroom/office. I dress the part every day; make up, heels, up-do, nails kept up. Maybe it's working for a man instead of a woman. Honestly. I don't have to deal with any of that misplaced mean-mother energy that seems to attract itself to me in the workplace.

My meds have caused me to put on some weight. 1o pounds. Blech. I'm running again, working myself back up to 3 miles a stretch, but my eating is kinda out of control. I think I am hungry almost all the time! I'm still holding on to this shining hope that cutting out the drinking and being consistent with the running again will make it go away. It went right from being too hot to run outside to, today, being almost too cold to run outside! Perhaps I am just acclimated to the heat, honestly it was like 55 degrees. But it felt very, very cold to me.

Lastly, I am getting ready to make

halloween costumes. I will be going pattern-less this time, after pulling up a few ideas on line with Gabe for ghost robes/shrouds. I got the fabric. I have some plastic chains. I have a whole room dedicated to my crafts, with a tall make shift table right in the middle for me to do my thang on. I was going to get to it today but lost myself to Twitter, Tweekdeck, device syncing, and getting my scanner to communicate with my computer. Tonight was still an option, til Gabe and I ate ice cream until we couldn't eat one more bite! Now it's definitely CHILL time....

Til tomorrow... here are some Florida gators!

wait, what?

I thought I had posted since I have been in Florida! I swear, I lose more brain ability every day. Life in Florida. Wow, umm, it's hot? It's muggy? I still can't understand what people are saying sometimes.

Being married is great. Spending every day with the same person, that's kinda sucky. Seriously.

Since I find myself alone in a deeply personal way... I have been trying to identify what I need to find my center. I pushed myself to get my sewing room set up yesterday, got it all ready to do some T-shirt art, sat down to, well, DO it.... and WHAM a HUGE wall of super tired hit me. What is that? my brain saying screw you? My emotional center saying don't you dare open me up? I mean seriously?

I made a potential new girlfriend.... she's clever, she's tough...... she's.... she's.... oh hell, who am I kidding, she's got more drama than any chick I've ever had before in my life! Probably for the first time ever I'm like "seriously Shar? I don't think you have the energy to have another relationship with crazy". She really is cool, but, yeah...... it seems every week there are two or even three things that happen TO her (not because of her, get it?) that cause stress, exhaustion and brokenness. I've got my own stress, exhaustion and brokenness to deal with! Seriously....

I live in a world where people prefer to mask reality and escape from it. I do it too. Not ever allowing myself to get away mentally is scary. BUT... the thought flutters through my head that I have sort of forgotten how to cope with reality. Run away from it, yes. Mask it, sure. But be in it, deal with it? I watch way too much TV... I am prone to drinking too many evenings... I love how carbs seem to dull my senses. I am NOT happy with this life. I do not have the sense that were my life to be over today that I would feel I lived to my potential. That being said, when I try to push past this, I struggle, and don't seem to make real headway. What is up with that?

On that note..... Here's that glorious boy that I have been blessed with parenting.. enjoying Oregon, his summer, his grandparents. I always miss him during the summer. I always enjoy a break from parenting. I don't know where my life would be without the focus of parenting.

looking at the eye of the hurricane

It is Saturday night. I have spent most of the day feeling nauseous and fighting total fatigue. Friday was our first monumental hurdle. It was my husbands Navy retirement ceremony at noon, and then a send off party at our local pub starting at 5:00 pm. We had lots of food and planning to get together, speeches to write (well, HE did), decorations, transportation, cleaning. There was also drama to work out. That's sort of my mad skill though, mediating, understanding everyones perspectives in a situation and helping the group come to an understanding.

The ceremony was wonderful, truly heartwarming, and a fitting event to honor my dear husbands 21+ years of service.

By the time we got home from the ceremony it was 3:15, and we had about 1 1/2 hours to ready for the party. I sat down on the couch and realized... I was BEAT! I could have slept for 3 hours! BUT I dressed up, had a rasbomb, and we packed up the car and headed to the bar. I swear I was running around from 5 til 11 just... I dont know, hostessing? Almost ALL of the people we had invited and that had RSVP'd did NOT show up. BUT the bar was PACKED with locals and regulars. It ended up being really emotional. Lots of people were like, "Oh, uh, you guys are really MOVING to Florida, and this may be the last time we see you!", so it was more heavy than any of us expected. There was also COPIOUS shots flying across the bar and I did a lousy job spacing out my drinks and remembering to eat, and drink water.

After calming down three people, averting one or two fights, and taking quite a hard tumble on a floor that got soaking wet from melted ice, we were going to move the party to another karaoke club we love. On the way there someone actually THREW UP in the back of my car (heLLO high school, right?), and I got a crippling case of the hiccups. More silly drama and hightened emitions from friends..... 10 minutes there, I realized I was TOAST; alcohol, hostessing and helping put out fires for 6 hours straight, I was suddenly completely, COMPLETELY done. had a friend drive me home.....

and I have basically been on the couch since!

So whats all this rambling for? I dunno really. Our two closest friends are here, have been here all day and will stay the night, all sort of putzing around cleaning, organizing, eating, conversing. Its nice, really nice, even while Im feeling all blechy. I will miss my friends, REALLY miss my friends. I am more than excited to move into a new home with my husband and my son, and also to get to have his son in our household half the time.

BIG changes. BIG BIG changes. And its now happening, it is no longer in the near future. it is now. being ready or not ready is like, uhh, not an option, lol, it is simply here.

So, yeah, I have not logged food for two days. I have not worked out since Wednesday. and I have no shame in this. Im not backsliding, I am simply trying to find some room to breathe here and there, and focusing on letting myself be OKAY with wherever I am at emotionally, physically, mentally, because any negative self talk will prevent me from appreciating these moments, moments of change, moments of realizing what I am leaving behind, and moments of moving forward.

I threw out the remaining Provigil I have. Its a nerve stimulant (NOT speed) to help with focus and energy for people with extreme fatigue. it has nasty side effects for me.

I dumped out the rest of the cough syrup I got form the doctor that had hydrocodone in it. No, I don't have a cough any more, but it's been really nice to have around for those times when I felt achy and wanted to NOT feel achy so I could be more productive. I don't need anyone to tell me about the hazards of mis using narcotic prescriptions, but thank you. I am a hughly intelligent woman with complicated motives and rollercoaster emotions, and I trust in myself. I am not afraid of getting off track sometimes, i know I get back on track and I always seem to be learning.

But I am tired of the mental stress of believing I have a medication around that might help take me out of the reality of my moment in order to better serve this whole "doing the move" thing. I tend to prefer altered states to non altered states, and I can't deal with that right now. The drinking these past two weeks is bad enough. so many celebrations, so much stress to crave getting out of. But my body needs some peace, my soul needs some focus and serenity.

Let the storm come! :)