looking at the eye of the hurricane

It is Saturday night. I have spent most of the day feeling nauseous and fighting total fatigue. Friday was our first monumental hurdle. It was my husbands Navy retirement ceremony at noon, and then a send off party at our local pub starting at 5:00 pm. We had lots of food and planning to get together, speeches to write (well, HE did), decorations, transportation, cleaning. There was also drama to work out. That's sort of my mad skill though, mediating, understanding everyones perspectives in a situation and helping the group come to an understanding.

The ceremony was wonderful, truly heartwarming, and a fitting event to honor my dear husbands 21+ years of service.

By the time we got home from the ceremony it was 3:15, and we had about 1 1/2 hours to ready for the party. I sat down on the couch and realized... I was BEAT! I could have slept for 3 hours! BUT I dressed up, had a rasbomb, and we packed up the car and headed to the bar. I swear I was running around from 5 til 11 just... I dont know, hostessing? Almost ALL of the people we had invited and that had RSVP'd did NOT show up. BUT the bar was PACKED with locals and regulars. It ended up being really emotional. Lots of people were like, "Oh, uh, you guys are really MOVING to Florida, and this may be the last time we see you!", so it was more heavy than any of us expected. There was also COPIOUS shots flying across the bar and I did a lousy job spacing out my drinks and remembering to eat, and drink water.

After calming down three people, averting one or two fights, and taking quite a hard tumble on a floor that got soaking wet from melted ice, we were going to move the party to another karaoke club we love. On the way there someone actually THREW UP in the back of my car (heLLO high school, right?), and I got a crippling case of the hiccups. More silly drama and hightened emitions from friends..... 10 minutes there, I realized I was TOAST; alcohol, hostessing and helping put out fires for 6 hours straight, I was suddenly completely, COMPLETELY done. had a friend drive me home.....

and I have basically been on the couch since!

So whats all this rambling for? I dunno really. Our two closest friends are here, have been here all day and will stay the night, all sort of putzing around cleaning, organizing, eating, conversing. Its nice, really nice, even while Im feeling all blechy. I will miss my friends, REALLY miss my friends. I am more than excited to move into a new home with my husband and my son, and also to get to have his son in our household half the time.

BIG changes. BIG BIG changes. And its now happening, it is no longer in the near future. it is now. being ready or not ready is like, uhh, not an option, lol, it is simply here.

So, yeah, I have not logged food for two days. I have not worked out since Wednesday. and I have no shame in this. Im not backsliding, I am simply trying to find some room to breathe here and there, and focusing on letting myself be OKAY with wherever I am at emotionally, physically, mentally, because any negative self talk will prevent me from appreciating these moments, moments of change, moments of realizing what I am leaving behind, and moments of moving forward.

I threw out the remaining Provigil I have. Its a nerve stimulant (NOT speed) to help with focus and energy for people with extreme fatigue. it has nasty side effects for me.

I dumped out the rest of the cough syrup I got form the doctor that had hydrocodone in it. No, I don't have a cough any more, but it's been really nice to have around for those times when I felt achy and wanted to NOT feel achy so I could be more productive. I don't need anyone to tell me about the hazards of mis using narcotic prescriptions, but thank you. I am a hughly intelligent woman with complicated motives and rollercoaster emotions, and I trust in myself. I am not afraid of getting off track sometimes, i know I get back on track and I always seem to be learning.

But I am tired of the mental stress of believing I have a medication around that might help take me out of the reality of my moment in order to better serve this whole "doing the move" thing. I tend to prefer altered states to non altered states, and I can't deal with that right now. The drinking these past two weeks is bad enough. so many celebrations, so much stress to crave getting out of. But my body needs some peace, my soul needs some focus and serenity.

Let the storm come! :)

checking in

Just a quick check in. I have been really struggling lately with my energy levels. It's a struggle for me to get out of bed on the weekends, I still am able to spend two entire days in bed. I don't really feel GOOD about it while I'm doing it, but when I get up and try to move around I just feel wiped out.

I'm trying to remember when I had more energy. If I remember correctly, I think it's when my responsibilities are fewer and I have less directions to go in at once, and I would still take weekends off and stay in bed. I mean Gabe is fully aware of and comfortable with the whole stay-in-bed-and-in-the-house-all day days.

I remember having the thought that when I exercised every day and was eating FEWER calories and fewer carbs and lots of fresh veggies and fruits I had more energy. Was that true? Is it just that it seems like SO much work I have to put in to just have a NORMAL level of energy that it almost seems not worth it? That when I slack off then for a couple of days how easily my body slips right back into lethargy and being bummed out at the lack of productivity in my life?

Gah. I don't know. Like aI said, just a quick check in. Went for a 2 mile run, need to jump in the shower and get to work. :)

life, it overwhelms again

Ugh!  I am fighting this urge to stay in bed all day, and it has blindsided me.  I'm eating healthy, exercising... why on earth would I be falling into feeling like this?

The anxiety med the new Psychiatrist had put me on was Buspar... we started at 5 mg pills twice a day, went to two pills twice a day, and then up to three, where I then learned that it is indeed the Buspar that is making me feel irrationally angry and hostile.  I have bumped myself back down to 2 and will then go to 1, and am trying to get an earlier day to see the psychiatrist.

It baffles me that I feel most days that life is too big, that I want mostly to hide.  It pisses me off atually and I think it is absolutely unfair, many people never feel like this and I have to experience it every day to more or lesser degrees.

A good, good friend of mine was here for a week with the intention of helping me purge my excess stuff around the house, thus helping clear my mind and life of clutter.  We ended up socializing and relaxing the whole week, and this too ended up being something I very much needed and was good for me.  Here I am though still sitting in my apartment full of clutter and chores and dust, and possibly even feeling a little sorry for myself.  No one can tackle this for me damn it.  Unless of course I decide to have someone come in like my mom used to when I was 9 or 10... "you have 1/2 an hour to clean your room and after that everything not put away goes in the dumpster".  it was the BEST way to purge my toys!

I should take a look at my long term to do list, I bet I can cross off one or two things on there.  Like my budget, got that done.

There is something about my job that I am not enjoying, I am not finding it fulfilling.  Over the past year I have actually gotten a  good handle on more tasks, more paperwork, have a more cohesive grasp on what I am capable of and how I am an active part of the work my advisors do.  Yet somehow it still feels lacking.  Finances s NOT something I enjoy.  I have always told myself that it's the challenges of the job that will keep me interested in it though, learning new things and handling more and more responsibility.  There is an underlying flatness though in the work I do.  Numbers and money do not get me all worked up.  Perhaps it is the fact that I work so hard to fully understand the things I do and yet I still struggle financially.  The payoff is not "financial freedom", but just surviving.  yeah, yeah, Im not scraping together $2 to buy a bag of rice anymore, but I do get down to $5 in my bank account with two bills still unpaid and I watch the gas line in the car hoping it makes it til pay day.  If I don't remember to pack a lunch there is no stopping at Subway instead because seriously, $7 for a frikken salad??

Running is free.

The library is free.

Again, it always seems to come down to me wanting time off of WORK so that I can adjust my LIFE to new ways of living it... but that is not an option, and therefor I am in a constant state of feeling that it is all TOO much to tackle at once, and I wish I could just stay in bed.