the food cycle

I spent the entire weekend, which was really a 3 day weekend, eating sugar and breads and pastas.  Now I am sluggish, tired, unmotivated, depressed.  THe correlation is impossible to not see.  It is such a trap though, a self perpetuating cycle for me to get into.

I think I start out by letting myself have a little treat, a day of indulging is fine (right?).  I have brownies for dinner.  I have a leftover brownie with breakfast.  I make spaghetti for lunch........ by this time I'm toast really; I am already in a bad way of not wanting to do anything really..... struggling with "you really should get ___ done" and "wow, it would be so nice if I just laid on the couch (or bed) and watched movies (or TV) for just one more hour".  In bed I of course want to eat more of that delicious pasta I made.

Anyway.. I ramble because I am SO sleepy this morning.  My point to myself is- I MAKE myself lethargic and a bit morose when I eat breads, pastas, and sugars.  Period.  How sad this thought makes me!  Because I already know how HARD it is to fight these urges.  Now that I am not on medication I feel it is even more important to listen to my brain and my body and become a healthier person, but doing this alone is SO tough.

I think also I end up mentally just adding it to my huge mental to do list, and it feels even more overwhelming, and I find myself wanting a cookie just to ease my stress.  

So the old adage "one day at a time" seems appropriate here, does it not?  I don't really ENJOY falling back on old slogan from N.A. days, but... if it ain't broke, don't fix it, eh?

TODAY I will eat healthy.  Unfortunately, I can't also say "today I will get my divorce paperwork in, finish my budget, do three loads of laundry, clean the sink full of dishes, help Gabe get all his past due homework done, cook a nutritious dinner, trim my fingernails, clean the hamster cage, go for a run, alter two pairs of pants so they fit me, get in 7 hours of work, go out with a new meet-up group  to learn Israeli dance, listen to my hypnosis CD before sleep, and get to bed at a decent hour so I feel rested in the morning.

Heh heh.  Oh well, huh?  One little step forward at a time right?

get off the drugs, man

Lets see, it was....... a month and a half ago that I stopped taking my Prozac I think.  I was running very low, I got so sick I couldn't get out of bed, and I had been wanting to get off of them anyway because it seemed the benefits had ebbed, so I just quit.  This concerned many friends of mine, so I figured I should update my status.

I'm alive!!  hee hee.... no, seriously....

Okay, I started taking Fluoxetine, which is generic prozac, about 4 years ago.  Around the same time I started dating Michael actually, which is not I think the CAUSE of my prescription needs, but possibly indicative of my deeply insecure and frazzled state of mind at the time.  I was experiencing strong bouts of paranoid thinking, where I felt on a deep level that the person in the car driving next to me was actually criticizing me just by looking at me, that the gas attendant at the station was laughing at me when he waked away, that co-workers were talking about me when I walked into the office.  I was a full time mom and a full time employee, I drove 50 miles a day to get Gabe to and from grandmas, I bought my first home, and Gabe and I  lived on a budget that was tight enough to not allow any eating out but for a fast food joint on Sundays.

I have noticed this past year at least that, although the intense panicky attacks have not been happening again, I can still get just as freaked out about myself in relation to my weight, parenting, social skills, responsibleness, and yes sometimes I do wonder if someone is chuckling at me.  More often it just crosses my mind that I am falling short of where I "should" be.  It seemed the effectiveness of the drug was waning.

The FIRST thing I find important is that I have lost these hives that I have been suffering from for at least a year.  YAY!  Seems my body was rejecting something in the fluoxetine that was causing welts and severe itchiness in random places on my body almost every day.

How do I feel?  I am... well, I seem to be crying at silly things!  It's almost like a slight case of hormonal imbalance, but it feels more REAL that PMS.  What seems a fitting hypothesis is that my body is learning how to rebalance its emotions on its own, and that may take some time.  I get crabbier, Gabe's temper tantrums but the CRAP out of me instantly, I feel MUCH more aware of how judgemental I can be towards others.  I need less sleep!  Well, I did until I got sick again, but I am recovering.

What I feel is the potential to do more self healing, on a deeper level, because I am training my own body how to self balance.  I have been considering therapy again... the trick with that is that I need a particular therapist - one that can be most beneficial with all the therapy I already have and the knowledge already in me - and that takes so much time, weeding out therapists.   Ooh, that sounded like an excuse!  I suppose it was, my to do list is enormous, and one more to do right now feels too big...

Cheek kisses to all my friends and family.  I am forever grateful to have you in my life.

drug substitute this weekend

Well, I actually extended my weekend by 1/2.  Gabe was a bit ill; diarrhea (or as he says, "diet poop") and severe sneezing and coughing.  So MOM got a day off!  I think it was not supposed to be a day off, only an opportunity to sleep in a tad bit, but this GAME has come in to my life, and as I was pushing myself into bed (away from the couch and the game console) I made some eerie comparisons to video gaming and drugs.  Its one thing to make a comparison like that when it is someone ELSE I'm talking about, but completely different now that I'm looking at myself.

In fairness, I really am not judging myself on this one.  What I'm seeing is a deep, psychological need to GET AWAY from reality.  Even before any drug addiction, fantasy and pretend was an escape.  I was SUCH a big reader when I was little; I would get super sucked into a book, and then for days or weeks afterwards I would relate everything to myself as if I was the main character in the book.

I chose playing this game over exercise, over eating anything healthy, over taking my kid anywhere, over getting laundry done, doing my JOB... blah blah blah... just like any god drug addiction.  Seemingly, escaping my life was THE priority for a couple days.  I wonder why?  I am happy with my life.  I love being a parent.  My job is rewarding-ish.  I have plenty of "to-do's"....oh, wait, the to do's, thats a whole nother blog  (YES, I said "nother", I am in a love-hate relationship with this nonword).

"Fable 2" is this role playing game with non-turn based fighting that still isn't too hard for me, a treat.  "Your" character is nicely customizable, and interacting with the NPCs is quite entertaining.  There is a strong story line and plenty of main quests and side quests to give the player something to do for... well, probably for many, many days on end.   I'm a fantastic beer slinger!  My history knowledge sucks, but it is full of wood furniture, horse drawn carts, pots to piss in, long skirts, corsets, striped pants for the gents, gypsies, farmers, and city folk.  Characters are even characterized as straight,, gay or bisexual.  And there are cross dressers.  And what you eat affects your weight.  ANd of course you can choose to be good or evil.. I have a halo of course!

Sigh... if only, if only I could play for 5 days straight!  But now I am running late!  Gabe is curled up on the couch watching TV, OBVIOUSLY not wanting to go to school today... *another sigh*... I have to be the grown up dammit, and make it look like it's a GOOD thing at the same time.  "YAy!  Let's get dressed and go enjoy our day!  Yippee!"

;)