fatigue

my day ended up so, so slow.... it's 8:30 p.m. and I am in bed, watching Sons, ready got my tiredness to slowly take over me and end this drawn out day. I could not motivate to do anything, but did make it to Gabes dentist appointment. He got "A"s. :) Other than that, and him and I making a few more glow-in-the-dark iron-bead thingies (you know, lay a design on a peg board then iron them into a solid piece), I have been worthless. So this has me taking a look at... well, all of it, you know. Medication, evening schedules, working out, alcohol. If I am to find things for us, meaning Abe and I, to do sober, it seems I am going to have to be the one to find them and then sort of push them, on myself as well. I enjoy a night a week where I just sort of let loose and get buzzed and silly, it saddens me that I may have to lose that just because of the drain it puts on my system, how I feel so so so tired the next day, or if not that then just unable to really focus or feel driven.

All in all I had a great weekend. I'm really excited about these costumes I am making. I'm happy with how my running is coming right along after taking so much time off of it. I'm enjoying church and liked sitting in on last Sunday's chalice circle, hanging more and doing a craft project, getting to know people a little bit more, it was really nice.

This coming weekend is Halloween. There's a karaoke halloween party at a bowling alley Abe knows on Saturday night. I really want to go, we are going, but I have church things on Sunday that I won't miss, so I have to figure out how to be mentally and physically able to do it all. I want it all!!

I am ON it

K, yes, I missed blogging yesterday. I am dreadfully close to not blogging today. little bit out of it, little bit unable... but I have so much to say about the past two days it's unbelievable. church, great. time with son, great. family time, a little alcohol influenced, but still really fun. tomorrow I get to spend the whole day with Gabriel, AND I will totally have time to blog about life. Okay? Okay. All I have to say about today is YAY Goodwill Dollar Days!!!

Girls night out

Wow. Great busy day. Rockin my fav skull shirt. Eating a posh meal then hittin the streets of downtown Pensacola to check out galleries and get my salsa groove on. Let's do this thing!

Rescue form the Storm

I dreamt I was in a house, with about 18-20 other people. We were stuck there after a huge storm. We were being evacuated by the city. First a bus came and took all of our stuff away, it was more like a trailer truck with a HUGE flatbed trailer. We must have been mostly roommates because almost all of us had stuff at the house to get together. The others there were just visitors I guess. I remember it was really really difficult to get anything together. I had no idea how long of a stay I was looking at, possibly forever, and all my belongings were packed around in boxes, hampers, and bags, and we didn't really have much time at all. So I threw stuff in a green suitcase, an arm full of mismatched clothes. I went to put my tequila and vodka in and was informed they would not transport any alcohol. I was super super upset by this!

So the trailer took off with our stuff and we were to wait for a bus that would take us all away. I gathered another suitcase and packed some clothes in it, trying to come up with some way to hide the booze in it (this was really important to me for some reason!). I was with a boyfriend, but I had no kids. The house I was in was familiar to me, as if I have dreamt of it before. I walked around inside and noted some recent work that had been done, a new window put in the second bedroom, a wall fixed. I did not feel settled about the items I had packed, I did not feel prepared, and the general thought was that we were not coming back.

I saw the bus turn the corner out the window, and ran through the house shouting "cab's here!" like Paulie on Jersey Shore, which got some laughs. Right before we loaded our butts onto the bus I realized I didn't have any medications with me, and that this was NOT my house, but my boyfriends. I pleaded with the driver to let me run home, or he could drive by my home, to get my meds, but he said no. I was in absolute fear in the knowing that each medication I was on would come with its own sort of drastic effects from just stopping all at once, and there was nothing, nothing I could do. Then as we were driving away I realized I had cats that lived there and not only had I not seen them in days, throughout the 90-120 mile per hour winds and torrential rain and flooding, but I was not able to see them now or say goodbye and would probably never see them again.

It was a stressful heartbreaking dream, that I was relieved to wake up from I think. The majority of my feelings were loss, tragedy due to something completely out of my control, fear of the unknown, and knowing that my problems as an individual were made much less important by the huge number of people that were affected by this storm and the thousand of people that were being evacuated right along with me.

The last thought I remember having as I was getting on to the bus and sitting down was that here we were, in Florida, dealing aftermath and consequences of this epic storm, and over on the west coast no one probably had any idea what was going on over here, they were getting up, getting ready and heading in to work or school just like it was a normal day...

30 day writing challenge *DAY 1*

I thought it would be beneficial to my mental state if I made a 30 day commitment to myself to write. Something. Every day. It's 5 minutes til 8 p.m. and I finally opened this blog page. Okay OKAY I will write.... something... sheesh.

Wednesday nights Abe goes and bowls. It's a great thing. He gets out of the house and does something he loves with other people. I get to spend time with my son. We already have a tradition of getting junk food for dinner and watching a movie. Tonight it's ICE CREAM for dinner and Gulliver's Travels. Gabe loves Jack Black. In fact I think he just said 5 minutes ago "Best comic person ever!".

We went in to get my car finally registered in Florida two weeks ago. There is a military waiver for the huge one-time state registration, if we got the car registered within 6 months of Abe's retirement date, and given that we lived in the state of Florida before he retired. It hit me while we were in the tax assessors office, omg we have lived here 7 months already. That's over 1/2 a year! And while I feel settled in our home, everything else still feels new, even transitory, not stable. I've spent more time hiding out in the house then getting out and going through all that obligatory, droll, awkward getting-to-really-know-people stuff so that I can build solid friendships.

There are good activities in place to help me, and us. Gabe and I have started going to this Unitarian Universalist church in Pensacola, and it's the perfect place to be. Church is REALLY big thing here. I worried Gabe felt more alienated from his peers because we did not subscribe to any doctrine. So I found a place to GO to CHURCH where we don't have to! It was rough for me until I got stabilized on the newest medication my Pdoc has me on, Seroquel. Now my panic has subsided and I am starting to actually talk to peop

le there.

I also have a therapist, and though we still can't really afford it, we have decided it is necessary. I go every week, and every other week Abe comes with me.

I enjoy my job. A lot. Strange, I am doing the same thing I was doing in Cali, but it's funner here. Perhaps Tom, my new boss, let's me do more and learn more. Perhaps it's because I'm in a real office instead of someone's spare bedroom/office. I dress the part every day; make up, heels, up-do, nails kept up. Maybe it's working for a man instead of a woman. Honestly. I don't have to deal with any of that misplaced mean-mother energy that seems to attract itself to me in the workplace.

My meds have caused me to put on some weight. 1o pounds. Blech. I'm running again, working myself back up to 3 miles a stretch, but my eating is kinda out of control. I think I am hungry almost all the time! I'm still holding on to this shining hope that cutting out the drinking and being consistent with the running again will make it go away. It went right from being too hot to run outside to, today, being almost too cold to run outside! Perhaps I am just acclimated to the heat, honestly it was like 55 degrees. But it felt very, very cold to me.

Lastly, I am getting ready to make

halloween costumes. I will be going pattern-less this time, after pulling up a few ideas on line with Gabe for ghost robes/shrouds. I got the fabric. I have some plastic chains. I have a whole room dedicated to my crafts, with a tall make shift table right in the middle for me to do my thang on. I was going to get to it today but lost myself to Twitter, Tweekdeck, device syncing, and getting my scanner to communicate with my computer. Tonight was still an option, til Gabe and I ate ice cream until we couldn't eat one more bite! Now it's definitely CHILL time....

Til tomorrow... here are some Florida gators!

wait, what?

I thought I had posted since I have been in Florida! I swear, I lose more brain ability every day. Life in Florida. Wow, umm, it's hot? It's muggy? I still can't understand what people are saying sometimes.

Being married is great. Spending every day with the same person, that's kinda sucky. Seriously.

Since I find myself alone in a deeply personal way... I have been trying to identify what I need to find my center. I pushed myself to get my sewing room set up yesterday, got it all ready to do some T-shirt art, sat down to, well, DO it.... and WHAM a HUGE wall of super tired hit me. What is that? my brain saying screw you? My emotional center saying don't you dare open me up? I mean seriously?

I made a potential new girlfriend.... she's clever, she's tough...... she's.... she's.... oh hell, who am I kidding, she's got more drama than any chick I've ever had before in my life! Probably for the first time ever I'm like "seriously Shar? I don't think you have the energy to have another relationship with crazy". She really is cool, but, yeah...... it seems every week there are two or even three things that happen TO her (not because of her, get it?) that cause stress, exhaustion and brokenness. I've got my own stress, exhaustion and brokenness to deal with! Seriously....

I live in a world where people prefer to mask reality and escape from it. I do it too. Not ever allowing myself to get away mentally is scary. BUT... the thought flutters through my head that I have sort of forgotten how to cope with reality. Run away from it, yes. Mask it, sure. But be in it, deal with it? I watch way too much TV... I am prone to drinking too many evenings... I love how carbs seem to dull my senses. I am NOT happy with this life. I do not have the sense that were my life to be over today that I would feel I lived to my potential. That being said, when I try to push past this, I struggle, and don't seem to make real headway. What is up with that?

On that note..... Here's that glorious boy that I have been blessed with parenting.. enjoying Oregon, his summer, his grandparents. I always miss him during the summer. I always enjoy a break from parenting. I don't know where my life would be without the focus of parenting.

looking at the eye of the hurricane

It is Saturday night. I have spent most of the day feeling nauseous and fighting total fatigue. Friday was our first monumental hurdle. It was my husbands Navy retirement ceremony at noon, and then a send off party at our local pub starting at 5:00 pm. We had lots of food and planning to get together, speeches to write (well, HE did), decorations, transportation, cleaning. There was also drama to work out. That's sort of my mad skill though, mediating, understanding everyones perspectives in a situation and helping the group come to an understanding.

The ceremony was wonderful, truly heartwarming, and a fitting event to honor my dear husbands 21+ years of service.

By the time we got home from the ceremony it was 3:15, and we had about 1 1/2 hours to ready for the party. I sat down on the couch and realized... I was BEAT! I could have slept for 3 hours! BUT I dressed up, had a rasbomb, and we packed up the car and headed to the bar. I swear I was running around from 5 til 11 just... I dont know, hostessing? Almost ALL of the people we had invited and that had RSVP'd did NOT show up. BUT the bar was PACKED with locals and regulars. It ended up being really emotional. Lots of people were like, "Oh, uh, you guys are really MOVING to Florida, and this may be the last time we see you!", so it was more heavy than any of us expected. There was also COPIOUS shots flying across the bar and I did a lousy job spacing out my drinks and remembering to eat, and drink water.

After calming down three people, averting one or two fights, and taking quite a hard tumble on a floor that got soaking wet from melted ice, we were going to move the party to another karaoke club we love. On the way there someone actually THREW UP in the back of my car (heLLO high school, right?), and I got a crippling case of the hiccups. More silly drama and hightened emitions from friends..... 10 minutes there, I realized I was TOAST; alcohol, hostessing and helping put out fires for 6 hours straight, I was suddenly completely, COMPLETELY done. had a friend drive me home.....

and I have basically been on the couch since!

So whats all this rambling for? I dunno really. Our two closest friends are here, have been here all day and will stay the night, all sort of putzing around cleaning, organizing, eating, conversing. Its nice, really nice, even while Im feeling all blechy. I will miss my friends, REALLY miss my friends. I am more than excited to move into a new home with my husband and my son, and also to get to have his son in our household half the time.

BIG changes. BIG BIG changes. And its now happening, it is no longer in the near future. it is now. being ready or not ready is like, uhh, not an option, lol, it is simply here.

So, yeah, I have not logged food for two days. I have not worked out since Wednesday. and I have no shame in this. Im not backsliding, I am simply trying to find some room to breathe here and there, and focusing on letting myself be OKAY with wherever I am at emotionally, physically, mentally, because any negative self talk will prevent me from appreciating these moments, moments of change, moments of realizing what I am leaving behind, and moments of moving forward.

I threw out the remaining Provigil I have. Its a nerve stimulant (NOT speed) to help with focus and energy for people with extreme fatigue. it has nasty side effects for me.

I dumped out the rest of the cough syrup I got form the doctor that had hydrocodone in it. No, I don't have a cough any more, but it's been really nice to have around for those times when I felt achy and wanted to NOT feel achy so I could be more productive. I don't need anyone to tell me about the hazards of mis using narcotic prescriptions, but thank you. I am a hughly intelligent woman with complicated motives and rollercoaster emotions, and I trust in myself. I am not afraid of getting off track sometimes, i know I get back on track and I always seem to be learning.

But I am tired of the mental stress of believing I have a medication around that might help take me out of the reality of my moment in order to better serve this whole "doing the move" thing. I tend to prefer altered states to non altered states, and I can't deal with that right now. The drinking these past two weeks is bad enough. so many celebrations, so much stress to crave getting out of. But my body needs some peace, my soul needs some focus and serenity.

Let the storm come! :)