When was the last time I wrote? (tuns to look), September 11th?!? Holy crap man. What has happened since then?
I have reoccurring hives. First time in my life. Of course doctor has no idea what they are from. Isn't that status quo from doctors? Most likely stress I hear. So it takes physical manifestations for me to acknowledge that I suffer from stress. LOL. After weeks of thinking things out and beating myself up for this lazy day or that undone to-do list, I came to an idea to try and NOT negate myself anymore. If I made a choice, a choice to say NOT get whatever task done but instead lounge in bed half sleeping for half a day, then THAT is the choice I made, and it was a successful one, because I DID it. My reasons for making my choices may be fuzzy to me, and I can explore these things, but to criticize my choice is ... well, it's silly really. All it serves is to put myself in a place where I feel "wrong", or broken, not working or functional. All of these things are VERY far from the truth. I am a person, connected to all other persons and all life. I breathe, I move, I eat, I sleep, I am aware, therefor I function, and quite well! To put myself down for my choices is to say that whatever experiences I have had in my life that have shaped me into who I am and create my chains of thought that lead me to make said choices are invalid or worthless. And when it comes down to that, I completely disagree. My experiences throughout my life have created a wonderful, thinking, conscientious woman, and I feel the spark that lies within me, that lies within us all. I can find that quiet place inside that exists without words or filters, that connects me to all others... therefor, I am not broken. My choices are valid. I do not make mistakes. Sometimes I don't fully understand all the factors that make me choose what I choose, and that is where I continue to grow.
And life goes on eh?
Okay! 7:13.... must.... pull myself away from the computer, go forth and be a productive member of society!
Today I will venture over to Bethums to entertain and amuse her in her state of brokenness and drug induced lethargy. As long as she doesn't ask me to COOK anything.... ;)
1 comment:
Stress manifestations huh? That is what my doctor blames for my insomnia, nightmares, and unexplainable random tummy aches. Why do they get paid so much again? Lol. I do think that in your case though it makes sense. Stress can do crazy stuff to people.
It is good to see you blog again finally. :) I usually blog on myspace simply because I log on there each day anyway. Trying to remember to come blog here is interesting. Plus I can blog about certain things here that I can't there because no one but you and Joe know this blog exists at the moment.
I totally agree that you aren't wrong or broken. I like you just the way you are. Sure we all have room to improve but that simply gives us something to strive toward. Also sometimes you just need to lounge in bed half sleeping for half a day or more gosh darn it! Cats do it all the time, why can't we? Lucky cats. Makes me want to go nap in a sun beam except that its 12:36 in the morning... the sun isn't up yet. I'll make that nap a goal for later! Woot!
Human women are the most confusing animals on the planet so shy should we understand ourselves any better than anyone else? I understand not understanding why you decide to do or not do something. Lately I've been irrationally filled with rage that I've had to swallow again and again to keep from exploding on anyone. I know its a bit stressful around here lately but seriously? Rage??? I'm like a hippy most of the time. No idea. No clue.
Like you said though, no matter what life continues to go on. So I'll just smile and eventually I'll feel better. I am proud of you for deciding to be positive too. It is tough! It is worth it though. The future is what we make it, right? ^_^
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