This identity of mine, this need for people to accept me and desire me, is old old old. When I was younger, it worked for me for a very long time though. When I was growing up I learned that basically the only way I was going to get any acceptance was to be the Marilyn Monroe of my social circles. Modernized, of course; embracing sexual freedom and not being dependent on any one person to "complete" me.
Years of self abuse, physical and emotional, have occurred. In a non self pitying way I can see that I am both more damaged and in other ways more healed than I was previously in my life. My identity being wrapped up in getting that validation though, is still a tangled, gnarly mess.
My living situation is odd. I live with a very depressed person. He still looks at me as someone who can be HIS validation. He doesn't yet want to grow out of his own feelings that he needs someone else to complete him. His feelings that he puts towards me are weighty, and bring me down when I don't fight them. Sometimes it is like I am battling my own issues and someone else's at the same time. I wish living alone was a simple, clean solution, but it is not, I can't afford it, and I don't like the idea of moving now just to move again a year from now when hopefully the man I do love plans on moving to California. I need to deal with the situation at hand, not run away.
So... what is my solution? First... I need to learn how to not act on impulses. I need to learn to implement my schedule of self care and stick to it. I need to look to the end of a choice, and try to see all the possible consequences. Very important, I need to acknowledge that how I am feeling when Im drinking is not necessarily how I feel when I am sober, and to stay with people I know I feel comfortable being myself around. Mostly though, and here is the one that sounds sooo hokey; I need to self parent, cuz what I am wishing I had was a nurturing, compassionate, loving adult in my life to guide me and support me, but since I am a GROWN UP, I am supposed to be that for myself. Gah, just writing that makes me cry! This grown up stuff sucks man!
So... off now into a shower, and pushing myself to clean up this hell hole of an apartment.
1 comment:
I wish my old habits would have died too. So far, lately, I've been able to keep them at bay but I'm always so afraid of when they'll return. The depression, insecurities with myself, and stress don't help but like you said WE are the grown-ups now. When did that happen?!? I still cling to my old ways in certain ways. Such as I prefer to watch the shows on Teen Nick rather than the shows featuring people my own age. Thankfully that is one of the least destructive.
I think Joe shared some of my emails and issues with you so I understand the physical validation issues too. That is part of what kept me with my ex for three years even though he was abusive in a lot of ways. Then I met Jason and he has slowly but surely helped my ego and my attitude over the ten years we've been together. My friends from high school claim I'm not the same person I was back then. I surely hope not.
I like your solution and I'm gonna try to use it too if you don't mind because it makes perfect sense. Especially the drinking part. A DUI on my 21st birthday stopped me for a long time. Then the bar down the road started being conveniently close but a near miss with another DUI and that cost me my last car to a guard rail and a creek have curtailed my drinking for now for sure and hopefully for good but I don't want to make promises I can't keep. My future doesn't look quite as bright as yours at the moment. Jason just got another pay cut last month and we were struggling as it was. Hopefully though this time he and I can be here for each other instead of going else where for support. Finding the right person for you is a true blessing. I hope you've finally found yours.
Arg... and once again it is 2:40 am. I'm gonna go lay down and try to sleep so maybe when I reply to some of your other blogs I'll make a little more sense. *hugs*
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