checking in

Just a quick check in. I have been really struggling lately with my energy levels. It's a struggle for me to get out of bed on the weekends, I still am able to spend two entire days in bed. I don't really feel GOOD about it while I'm doing it, but when I get up and try to move around I just feel wiped out.

I'm trying to remember when I had more energy. If I remember correctly, I think it's when my responsibilities are fewer and I have less directions to go in at once, and I would still take weekends off and stay in bed. I mean Gabe is fully aware of and comfortable with the whole stay-in-bed-and-in-the-house-all day days.

I remember having the thought that when I exercised every day and was eating FEWER calories and fewer carbs and lots of fresh veggies and fruits I had more energy. Was that true? Is it just that it seems like SO much work I have to put in to just have a NORMAL level of energy that it almost seems not worth it? That when I slack off then for a couple of days how easily my body slips right back into lethargy and being bummed out at the lack of productivity in my life?

Gah. I don't know. Like aI said, just a quick check in. Went for a 2 mile run, need to jump in the shower and get to work. :)

life, it overwhelms again

Ugh!  I am fighting this urge to stay in bed all day, and it has blindsided me.  I'm eating healthy, exercising... why on earth would I be falling into feeling like this?

The anxiety med the new Psychiatrist had put me on was Buspar... we started at 5 mg pills twice a day, went to two pills twice a day, and then up to three, where I then learned that it is indeed the Buspar that is making me feel irrationally angry and hostile.  I have bumped myself back down to 2 and will then go to 1, and am trying to get an earlier day to see the psychiatrist.

It baffles me that I feel most days that life is too big, that I want mostly to hide.  It pisses me off atually and I think it is absolutely unfair, many people never feel like this and I have to experience it every day to more or lesser degrees.

A good, good friend of mine was here for a week with the intention of helping me purge my excess stuff around the house, thus helping clear my mind and life of clutter.  We ended up socializing and relaxing the whole week, and this too ended up being something I very much needed and was good for me.  Here I am though still sitting in my apartment full of clutter and chores and dust, and possibly even feeling a little sorry for myself.  No one can tackle this for me damn it.  Unless of course I decide to have someone come in like my mom used to when I was 9 or 10... "you have 1/2 an hour to clean your room and after that everything not put away goes in the dumpster".  it was the BEST way to purge my toys!

I should take a look at my long term to do list, I bet I can cross off one or two things on there.  Like my budget, got that done.

There is something about my job that I am not enjoying, I am not finding it fulfilling.  Over the past year I have actually gotten a  good handle on more tasks, more paperwork, have a more cohesive grasp on what I am capable of and how I am an active part of the work my advisors do.  Yet somehow it still feels lacking.  Finances s NOT something I enjoy.  I have always told myself that it's the challenges of the job that will keep me interested in it though, learning new things and handling more and more responsibility.  There is an underlying flatness though in the work I do.  Numbers and money do not get me all worked up.  Perhaps it is the fact that I work so hard to fully understand the things I do and yet I still struggle financially.  The payoff is not "financial freedom", but just surviving.  yeah, yeah, Im not scraping together $2 to buy a bag of rice anymore, but I do get down to $5 in my bank account with two bills still unpaid and I watch the gas line in the car hoping it makes it til pay day.  If I don't remember to pack a lunch there is no stopping at Subway instead because seriously, $7 for a frikken salad??

Running is free.

The library is free.

Again, it always seems to come down to me wanting time off of WORK so that I can adjust my LIFE to new ways of living it... but that is not an option, and therefor I am in a constant state of feeling that it is all TOO much to tackle at once, and I wish I could just stay in bed.

forgotten critters

I had a dream lat night that included a reoccurring item; a back room where I had bunnies, ferrets, umm, something that was attacking the bunnies... other fluffies... all that had been left and forgotten in a back bedroom. God, even just retelling it now makes me a little ill. Sometimes I dream about this house, I think.. oh I dont know, some how my dad factors into it, my real dad. In a previous dream someone had left behind all these animals and i had to take care of them because... because I was there, and no one else was going to (did I write about this dream before?). In last nights dream, I had long forgotten about these animals, and went into the back room to examine something in the back yard. And LO, there are these animals that are Im sure starving and completely dehydrated. It makes no sense they were even alive. A bunny was in the jaws of.. OH, maybe it was a cat! A big cat had it's mouth on the bunnies neck, and I pulled it off and held the bunny in my arms, petting it and making soothing tones, and it seemed okay, it's legs thumping on me a bit like bunnies do. And I realized I had totally neglected these animals in my back room, and couldn't believe they weren't dead. I also remembered that this was not the first time I had done this. I was in a state of dazed confusion, regret, and fear.

Wow.. am I really that overwhelmed? That is so heavy, man...