exercise

Yesterday was my ... (goes to count on calendar) sixth day at running as much as I could of two miles distance.  NOT in a row, I go three times a week, missed one Saturday.  It was also day 27 of my renewed exercise routine which is 6 days a week.  Also though, I did miss two days one weekend.  Still, I AM rocking it.

I don't remember ever trying running before.  It's hard!  My lungs are SO not used to taking in that much air.  That's what stops me after 3 blocks or so is the needing to catch my breath before I can start again, walking another 2 blocks til I can go again.  Yesterday though,  yesterday was the first day that I felt a difference.  I could go farther.  It felt better.  Just a smidgen, and by the end I needed a longer cool down, but my two blocks running two blocks walking turned in to three blocks running and one block walking.  And now, my legs, oh god, I feel it in my legs.  It's a good pain, I promise.  Still, it's an amazing thing, actually feeling my body start accepting something new.

K... here is the greatest thing about working out.  When I started, I was quite self aware the whole time, in the back of my mind  wondering what people were thinking,  how they must be judging or criticizing me.  That is going away, which is what I wanted so badly to happen ~ to get so into what I am doing that the world sort of disappears for a brief time.  Yeah... it's happening.  And that makes me so damn happy.  It is becoming mine, totally a me time thing.  Yeah.  I love it.

Sticking with it, I know it's going to be tough.  Gabe comes back on Saturday, and I get to learn how to incorporate new things into the "family" schedule.

OH, I forgot to mention, Monday at my training session (I only have three left, too poor to buy more) we did kick boxing.  Umm, helllooo, that was fun!

childhood idols

It's been filtering through my mind lately, this though about my idols growing up.  It was cool to be hard.  I don't think I ever was as a kid; I was soft, affectable, feelings easily hurt.  But I aspired to be that gal that was super fun and witty, yet had the ability to be unmarred by other peoples stupid actions, sort of rising above it all.  Later that morphed into trying to emulate the really selfish people.  Madonna I worshipped because of her hard edged self-centeredness.  I believed that if you acted like you deserved the best treatment, you would get it.  Unfortunately, my childhood had already preordained that I should play the victim role; the misunderstood and blamed one, the scapegoat.  I perpetually laid myself down to be walked on, so that I could recreate patterns from my childhood that were comfortable I guess.  Each time I would follow this by blaming myself for not being hard enough.

How many years of my life did I spend trying to be someone I am not?  Most of my life.  Somehow having a child allowed me to open up to the possibility that I am already who I am supposed to be, inside, buried underneath so many years of self effacement.  I look at my child and I see... I see a beautiful, amazing thing that is strong and delicate at the same time.  I look at him and I think of all the shame based identities I took inside of myself, and I think how could I have done that, if I was as glorious and amazing a child as this child is, how could anyone have wanted to destroy my spirit?

In my soul I can feel what is real truth.  In my heart I can feel what connects us all.  My sons spirit glows with love, he loves that he is so loved, as he should, as should we all.

keeps shaking my reality

So, UGH, another dream!  What is up with me having these dreams that affect me so much in the morning?  It's like a constant these days, that I need a little adjustment time in the morning to re realize what's real and what was dreamt.  I have NO idea what that means psychologically or anything.

So LAST night, I had a streaming dream (it kept coming back when I would go back to sleep) that I lost my car in a downtown parking lot, or that I lost my son in a residential neighborhood.  The losing my son ended up being more earth shattering (I've had dreams before where I lost my car, it wasn't where I parked it, or I forgot where I parked it). 

The police would only help me if there was a body to identify.  I kept "forgetting" that my son was missing whilst getting into my day to day activities.  I had NO idea how to look for a missing child without help, like a search crew.  I walked around yelling "GABRIEL".  I woke up numerous times having to remind myself that in this reality there was no missing child that I was forgetting about, that he was with family in our neighbor state, safe.

On the last episode of the dream, there was a man at the intersection where I last saw my son, and he had three tracking dogs, and was magically there to help me.  One of the dogs grabbed his scent and almost immediately directed us to the holes in the street, to under the street, the sewer I guess.  We somehow pried up a manhole, and I yelled "gabriel" into it, and LO, there he was!  He was all oily, but in very good spirits for having been underground and alone without food or water for three days.  So... *sigh*.... I woke up so severely confused and heart-shaken.

I did note that all THREE cats were snuggled in with me when I awoke.  Did they know?  I twas quite comforting.  NOw of course I want nothing more than to stay home all day and nurture myself, for I feel that I have suffered a very real near loss.