CLEAN THIS ROOM UP MISSY!!

fatigue

2011-10-24T18:37:00.000-07:00

my day ended up so, so slow.... it's 8:30 p.m. and I am in bed, watching Sons, ready got my tiredness to slowly take over me and end this drawn out day. I could not motivate to do anything, but did make it to Gabes dentist appointment. He got "A"s. :) Other than that, and him and I making a few more glow-in-the-dark iron-bead thingies (you know, lay a design on a peg board then iron them into a solid piece), I have been worthless. So this has me taking a look at... well, all of it, you know. Medication, evening schedules, working out, alcohol. If I am to find things for us, meaning Abe and I, to do sober, it seems I am going to have to be the one to find them and then sort of push them, on myself as well. I enjoy a night a week where I just sort of let loose and get buzzed and silly, it saddens me that I may have to lose that just because of the drain it puts on my system, how I feel so so so tired the next day, or if not that then just unable to really focus or feel driven.

All in all I had a great weekend. I'm really excited about these costumes I am making. I'm happy with how my running is coming right along after taking so much time off of it. I'm enjoying church and liked sitting in on last Sunday's chalice circle, hanging more and doing a craft project, getting to know people a little bit more, it was really nice.

This coming weekend is Halloween. There's a karaoke halloween party at a bowling alley Abe knows on Saturday night. I really want to go, we are going, but I have church things on Sunday that I won't miss, so I have to figure out how to be mentally and physically able to do it all. I want it all!!

I am ON it

2011-10-23T21:18:00.000-07:00

K, yes, I missed blogging yesterday. I am dreadfully close to not blogging today. little bit out of it, little bit unable... but I have so much to say about the past two days it's unbelievable. church, great. time with son, great. family time, a little alcohol influenced, but still really fun. tomorrow I get to spend the whole day with Gabriel, AND I will totally have time to blog about life. Okay? Okay. All I have to say about today is YAY Goodwill Dollar Days!!!

Girls night out

2011-10-21T17:50:00.000-07:00

Wow. Great busy day. Rockin my fav skull shirt. Eating a posh meal then hittin the streets of downtown Pensacola to check out galleries and get my salsa groove on. Let's do this thing!

Rescue form the Storm

2011-10-20T04:55:00.001-07:00

I dreamt I was in a house, with about 18-20 other people. We were stuck there after a huge storm. We were being evacuated by the city. First a bus came and took all of our stuff away, it was more like a trailer truck with a HUGE flatbed trailer. We must have been mostly roommates because almost all of us had stuff at the house to get together. The others there were just visitors I guess. I remember it was really really difficult to get anything together. I had no idea how long of a stay I was looking at, possibly forever, and all my belongings were packed around in boxes, hampers, and bags, and we didn't really have much time at all. So I threw stuff in a green suitcase, an arm full of mismatched clothes. I went to put my tequila and vodka in and was informed they would not transport any alcohol. I was super super upset by this!

So the trailer took off with our stuff and we were to wait for a bus that would take us all away. I gathered another suitcase and packed some clothes in it, trying to come up with some way to hide the booze in it (this was really important to me for some reason!). I was with a boyfriend, but I had no kids. The house I was in was familiar to me, as if I have dreamt of it before. I walked around inside and noted some recent work that had been done, a new window put in the second bedroom, a wall fixed. I did not feel settled about the items I had packed, I did not feel prepared, and the general thought was that we were not coming back.

I saw the bus turn the corner out the window, and ran through the house shouting "cab's here!" like Paulie on Jersey Shore, which got some laughs. Right before we loaded our butts onto the bus I realized I didn't have any medications with me, and that this was NOT my house, but my boyfriends. I pleaded with the driver to let me run home, or he could drive by my home, to get my meds, but he said no. I was in absolute fear in the knowing that each medication I was on would come with its own sort of drastic effects from just stopping all at once, and there was nothing, nothing I could do. Then as we were driving away I realized I had cats that lived there and not only had I not seen them in days, throughout the 90-120 mile per hour winds and torrential rain and flooding, but I was not able to see them now or say goodbye and would probably never see them again.

It was a stressful heartbreaking dream, that I was relieved to wake up from I think. The majority of my feelings were loss, tragedy due to something completely out of my control, fear of the unknown, and knowing that my problems as an individual were made much less important by the huge number of people that were affected by this storm and the thousand of people that were being evacuated right along with me.

The last thought I remember having as I was getting on to the bus and sitting down was that here we were, in Florida, dealing aftermath and consequences of this epic storm, and over on the west coast no one probably had any idea what was going on over here, they were getting up, getting ready and heading in to work or school just like it was a normal day...

30 day writing challenge DAY 1

2011-10-19T17:55:00.000-07:00

I thought it would be beneficial to my mental state if I made a 30 day commitment to myself to write. Something. Every day. It's 5 minutes til 8 p.m. and I finally opened this blog page. Okay OKAY I will write.... something... sheesh.

Wednesday nights Abe goes and bowls. It's a great thing. He gets out of the house and does something he loves with other people. I get to spend time with my son. We already have a tradition of getting junk food for dinner and watching a movie. Tonight it's ICE CREAM for dinner and Gulliver's Travels. Gabe loves Jack Black. In fact I think he just said 5 minutes ago "Best comic person ever!".

We went in to get my car finally registered in Florida two weeks ago. There is a military waiver for the huge one-time state registration, if we got the car registered within 6 months of Abe's retirement date, and given that we lived in the state of Florida before he retired. It hit me while we were in the tax assessors office, omg we have lived here 7 months already. That's over 1/2 a year! And while I feel settled in our home, everything else still feels new, even transitory, not stable. I've spent more time hiding out in the house then getting out and going through all that obligatory, droll, awkward getting-to-really-know-people stuff so that I can build solid friendships.

There are good activities in place to help me, and us. Gabe and I have started going to this Unitarian Universalist church in Pensacola, and it's the perfect place to be. Church is REALLY big thing here. I worried Gabe felt more alienated from his peers because we did not subscribe to any doctrine. So I found a place to GO to CHURCH where we don't have to! It was rough for me until I got stabilized on the newest medication my Pdoc has me on, Seroquel. Now my panic has subsided and I am starting to actually talk to peop

le there.

I also have a therapist, and though we still can't really afford it, we have decided it is necessary. I go every week, and every other week Abe comes with me.

I enjoy my job. A lot. Strange, I am doing the same thing I was doing in Cali, but it's funner here. Perhaps Tom, my new boss, let's me do more and learn more. Perhaps it's because I'm in a real office instead of someone's spare bedroom/office. I dress the part every day; make up, heels, up-do, nails kept up. Maybe it's working for a man instead of a woman. Honestly. I don't have to deal with any of that misplaced mean-mother energy that seems to attract itself to me in the workplace.

My meds have caused me to put on some weight. 1o pounds. Blech. I'm running again, working myself back up to 3 miles a stretch, but my eating is kinda out of control. I think I am hungry almost all the time! I'm still holding on to this shining hope that cutting out the drinking and being consistent with the running again will make it go away. It went right from being too hot to run outside to, today, being almost too cold to run outside! Perhaps I am just acclimated to the heat, honestly it was like 55 degrees. But it felt very, very cold to me.

Lastly, I am getting ready to make

halloween costumes. I will be going pattern-less this time, after pulling up a few ideas on line with Gabe for ghost robes/shrouds. I got the fabric. I have some plastic chains. I have a whole room dedicated to my crafts, with a tall make shift table right in the middle for me to do my thang on. I was going to get to it today but lost myself to Twitter, Tweekdeck, device syncing, and getting my scanner to communicate with my computer. Tonight was still an option, til Gabe and I ate ice cream until we couldn't eat one more bite! Now it's definitely CHILL time....

Til tomorrow... here are some Florida gators!

wait, what?

2011-08-04T04:54:00.000-07:00

I thought I had posted since I have been in Florida! I swear, I lose more brain ability every day. Life in Florida. Wow, umm, it's hot? It's muggy? I still can't understand what people are saying sometimes.

Being married is great. Spending every day with the same person, that's kinda sucky. Seriously.

Since I find myself alone in a deeply personal way... I have been trying to identify what I need to find my center. I pushed myself to get my sewing room set up yesterday, got it all ready to do some T-shirt art, sat down to, well, DO it.... and WHAM a HUGE wall of super tired hit me. What is that? my brain saying screw you? My emotional center saying don't you dare open me up? I mean seriously?

I made a potential new girlfriend.... she's clever, she's tough...... she's.... she's.... oh hell, who am I kidding, she's got more drama than any chick I've ever had before in my life! Probably for the first time ever I'm like "seriously Shar? I don't think you have the energy to have another relationship with crazy". She really is cool, but, yeah...... it seems every week there are two or even three things that happen TO her (not because of her, get it?) that cause stress, exhaustion and brokenness. I've got my own stress, exhaustion and brokenness to deal with! Seriously....

I live in a world where people prefer to mask reality and escape from it. I do it too. Not ever allowing myself to get away mentally is scary. BUT... the thought flutters through my head that I have sort of forgotten how to cope with reality. Run away from it, yes. Mask it, sure. But be in it, deal with it? I watch way too much TV... I am prone to drinking too many evenings... I love how carbs seem to dull my senses. I am NOT happy with this life. I do not have the sense that were my life to be over today that I would feel I lived to my potential. That being said, when I try to push past this, I struggle, and don't seem to make real headway. What is up with that?

On that note..... Here's that glorious boy that I have been blessed with parenting.. enjoying Oregon, his summer, his grandparents. I always miss him during the summer. I always enjoy a break from parenting. I don't know where my life would be without the focus of parenting.

looking at the eye of the hurricane

2011-02-27T00:49:00.000-08:00

It is Saturday night. I have spent most of the day feeling nauseous and fighting total fatigue. Friday was our first monumental hurdle. It was my husbands Navy retirement ceremony at noon, and then a send off party at our local pub starting at 5:00 pm. We had lots of food and planning to get together, speeches to write (well, HE did), decorations, transportation, cleaning. There was also drama to work out. That's sort of my mad skill though, mediating, understanding everyones perspectives in a situation and helping the group come to an understanding.

The ceremony was wonderful, truly heartwarming, and a fitting event to honor my dear husbands 21+ years of service.

By the time we got home from the ceremony it was 3:15, and we had about 1 1/2 hours to ready for the party. I sat down on the couch and realized... I was BEAT! I could have slept for 3 hours! BUT I dressed up, had a rasbomb, and we packed up the car and headed to the bar. I swear I was running around from 5 til 11 just... I dont know, hostessing? Almost ALL of the people we had invited and that had RSVP'd did NOT show up. BUT the bar was PACKED with locals and regulars. It ended up being really emotional. Lots of people were like, "Oh, uh, you guys are really MOVING to Florida, and this may be the last time we see you!", so it was more heavy than any of us expected. There was also COPIOUS shots flying across the bar and I did a lousy job spacing out my drinks and remembering to eat, and drink water.

After calming down three people, averting one or two fights, and taking quite a hard tumble on a floor that got soaking wet from melted ice, we were going to move the party to another karaoke club we love. On the way there someone actually THREW UP in the back of my car (heLLO high school, right?), and I got a crippling case of the hiccups. More silly drama and hightened emitions from friends..... 10 minutes there, I realized I was TOAST; alcohol, hostessing and helping put out fires for 6 hours straight, I was suddenly completely, COMPLETELY done. had a friend drive me home.....

and I have basically been on the couch since!

So whats all this rambling for? I dunno really. Our two closest friends are here, have been here all day and will stay the night, all sort of putzing around cleaning, organizing, eating, conversing. Its nice, really nice, even while Im feeling all blechy. I will miss my friends, REALLY miss my friends. I am more than excited to move into a new home with my husband and my son, and also to get to have his son in our household half the time.

BIG changes. BIG BIG changes. And its now happening, it is no longer in the near future. it is now. being ready or not ready is like, uhh, not an option, lol, it is simply here.

So, yeah, I have not logged food for two days. I have not worked out since Wednesday. and I have no shame in this. Im not backsliding, I am simply trying to find some room to breathe here and there, and focusing on letting myself be OKAY with wherever I am at emotionally, physically, mentally, because any negative self talk will prevent me from appreciating these moments, moments of change, moments of realizing what I am leaving behind, and moments of moving forward.

I threw out the remaining Provigil I have. Its a nerve stimulant (NOT speed) to help with focus and energy for people with extreme fatigue. it has nasty side effects for me.

I dumped out the rest of the cough syrup I got form the doctor that had hydrocodone in it. No, I don't have a cough any more, but it's been really nice to have around for those times when I felt achy and wanted to NOT feel achy so I could be more productive. I don't need anyone to tell me about the hazards of mis using narcotic prescriptions, but thank you. I am a hughly intelligent woman with complicated motives and rollercoaster emotions, and I trust in myself. I am not afraid of getting off track sometimes, i know I get back on track and I always seem to be learning.

But I am tired of the mental stress of believing I have a medication around that might help take me out of the reality of my moment in order to better serve this whole "doing the move" thing. I tend to prefer altered states to non altered states, and I can't deal with that right now. The drinking these past two weeks is bad enough. so many celebrations, so much stress to crave getting out of. But my body needs some peace, my soul needs some focus and serenity.

Let the storm come! :)

checking in

2009-10-05T08:58:00.000-07:00

Just a quick check in. I have been really struggling lately with my energy levels. It's a struggle for me to get out of bed on the weekends, I still am able to spend two entire days in bed. I don't really feel GOOD about it while I'm doing it, but when I get up and try to move around I just feel wiped out.

I'm trying to remember when I had more energy. If I remember correctly, I think it's when my responsibilities are fewer and I have less directions to go in at once, and I would still take weekends off and stay in bed. I mean Gabe is fully aware of and comfortable with the whole stay-in-bed-and-in-the-house-all day days.

I remember having the thought that when I exercised every day and was eating FEWER calories and fewer carbs and lots of fresh veggies and fruits I had more energy. Was that true? Is it just that it seems like SO much work I have to put in to just have a NORMAL level of energy that it almost seems not worth it? That when I slack off then for a couple of days how easily my body slips right back into lethargy and being bummed out at the lack of productivity in my life?

Gah. I don't know. Like aI said, just a quick check in. Went for a 2 mile run, need to jump in the shower and get to work. :)

life, it overwhelms again

2009-06-23T08:31:00.000-07:00

Ugh! I am fighting this urge to stay in bed all day, and it has blindsided me. I'm eating healthy, exercising... why on earth would I be falling into feeling like this?

The anxiety med the new Psychiatrist had put me on was Buspar... we started at 5 mg pills twice a day, went to two pills twice a day, and then up to three, where I then learned that it is indeed the Buspar that is making me feel irrationally angry and hostile. I have bumped myself back down to 2 and will then go to 1, and am trying to get an earlier day to see the psychiatrist.

It baffles me that I feel most days that life is too big, that I want mostly to hide. It pisses me off atually and I think it is absolutely unfair, many people never feel like this and I have to experience it every day to more or lesser degrees.

A good, good friend of mine was here for a week with the intention of helping me purge my excess stuff around the house, thus helping clear my mind and life of clutter. We ended up socializing and relaxing the whole week, and this too ended up being something I very much needed and was good for me. Here I am though still sitting in my apartment full of clutter and chores and dust, and possibly even feeling a little sorry for myself. No one can tackle this for me damn it. Unless of course I decide to have someone come in like my mom used to when I was 9 or 10... "you have 1/2 an hour to clean your room and after that everything not put away goes in the dumpster". it was the BEST way to purge my toys!

I should take a look at my long term to do list, I bet I can cross off one or two things on there. Like my budget, got that done.

There is something about my job that I am not enjoying, I am not finding it fulfilling. Over the past year I have actually gotten a good handle on more tasks, more paperwork, have a more cohesive grasp on what I am capable of and how I am an active part of the work my advisors do. Yet somehow it still feels lacking. Finances s NOT something I enjoy. I have always told myself that it's the challenges of the job that will keep me interested in it though, learning new things and handling more and more responsibility. There is an underlying flatness though in the work I do. Numbers and money do not get me all worked up. Perhaps it is the fact that I work so hard to fully understand the things I do and yet I still struggle financially. The payoff is not "financial freedom", but just surviving. yeah, yeah, Im not scraping together $2 to buy a bag of rice anymore, but I do get down to $5 in my bank account with two bills still unpaid and I watch the gas line in the car hoping it makes it til pay day. If I don't remember to pack a lunch there is no stopping at Subway instead because seriously, $7 for a frikken salad??

Running is free.

The library is free.

Again, it always seems to come down to me wanting time off of WORK so that I can adjust my LIFE to new ways of living it... but that is not an option, and therefor I am in a constant state of feeling that it is all TOO much to tackle at once, and I wish I could just stay in bed.

forgotten critters

2009-05-14T06:43:00.001-07:00

I had a dream lat night that included a reoccurring item; a back room where I had bunnies, ferrets, umm, something that was attacking the bunnies... other fluffies... all that had been left and forgotten in a back bedroom. God, even just retelling it now makes me a little ill. Sometimes I dream about this house, I think.. oh I dont know, some how my dad factors into it, my real dad. In a previous dream someone had left behind all these animals and i had to take care of them because... because I was there, and no one else was going to (did I write about this dream before?). In last nights dream, I had long forgotten about these animals, and went into the back room to examine something in the back yard. And LO, there are these animals that are Im sure starving and completely dehydrated. It makes no sense they were even alive. A bunny was in the jaws of.. OH, maybe it was a cat! A big cat had it's mouth on the bunnies neck, and I pulled it off and held the bunny in my arms, petting it and making soothing tones, and it seemed okay, it's legs thumping on me a bit like bunnies do. And I realized I had totally neglected these animals in my back room, and couldn't believe they weren't dead. I also remembered that this was not the first time I had done this. I was in a state of dazed confusion, regret, and fear.

Wow.. am I really that overwhelmed? That is so heavy, man...

control

2009-05-11T06:53:00.000-07:00

I feel controlled by my emotions. Is it like that for everyone? I Have a good day because my emotions coincide with the things I want to accomplish. I have a bad day when my emotions prevent me from doing the things I want to do, and instead sort of push me into being lazy, or even so TIRED that I just have to lay down and/or sleep most of the day. Then I have the self critical feelings that come in and bring me down after spending a day doing nothing-much-of-anything.

Yesterday the morning started out nice... cozy in bed with coffee, watching Lost and Dollhouse. Dishes, park, reading, then home to get more work done, when suddenly a WALL of tired hit me and *BAM* I was incapacitated for the remainder of the day.

This morning I am fighting the urge to stay home and in bed all day. I have this overbearing feeling that I need a day of nothing. Where does that feeling come from? I feel like it gets in my way.

So amidst all this struggling with having top push myself or give in, I have my food issues. If I stuck to "plan" and ate what is listed on my daily food menu, I would lose weight. Easy as pie. When I don't, I gain back. Then it takes me those 5 work days to lose what I lost, only to hit another weekend and lose the control... What impulses am I acting on? THe tiredness and the eating seem to go hand in hand... I dunno. Feel a little like my head is spinning with all this control/loss of control crap.

Go to a new psychiatrist Friday.

perception

2009-04-12T17:16:00.000-07:00

OKay, I have an appointment with a FEMALE STUFF doctor on Tuesday to start investigating my hormone levels to see if they are the cause of my emotional chaos. I wonder though... have I only been this off balance since I went off my meds? It didn't seem that they were helping me out that much when I was on them. And the stupid hives on my legs have pretty much disappeared, reoccurring once for a week or two. My emotions SEEM hormonally charged though, that's the reason for my wanting to investigate more. What is it they call it, pre-menopausal, peri-menopausal...

What I've noticed MOST of late is a propensity towards fatigue again, which slows my brain down as well, makes me grouchy when I want to be able to function better. All from stress? Possibly. It absolutely reminds me though of when I was around 21-22 and living in SF and was introduced to meth and how I felt it solved all my problems, made me feel normal, energetic, like I could actually KEEP UP with everyone else for once instead of my tiredness holding me back. The fact that I felt like this at such a young age.... makes me wonder about the hormonal-ness of it all. Seems it might go much deeper than that.

So, yes.... the thought of therapy is running through my brain more and more. Honestly though... I analyze and study myself so much, ti will... um.. it... crap, it will just be a huge TASK to find someone who is a good fit with me. The therapist I was seeing with Michael as a couples counsellor I mostly agreed to keep seeing because Michael liked her and trusted her, and I felt this was more important than believing I found someone who was able to offer ME insight.

Anyway... all my thoughts of myself are so clouded with self-judgement, this makes it really hard for me to see the truth in situations around me, even the truth of my own motivation or feelings.

I have made my blog page my home screen, so evey time I turn on my browser it will open up, encouraging me to take just a little time to study and discuss myself.

Why is life good today? I feel that my situation in life is a safe one for my son and I. He is adjusted in school, we are not afraid for our safety in our neighborhood, we know we have friends and family that love us. My son KNOWS he is loved and important, smart, able to learn and grow. I remember my mom always giving me the bedroom in an apartment where there was only one... and I completely understand that.

Oh... speaking of mom; she brought up something I said on our last beach trip, that if her and I were the same age we would have been great friends. Seems that stuck with her. Honest though, how cool it would have been to have a female friend who understood all my feelings and internal struggles. Of course, what formed me was growing up with her as my mom, so the dichotomy of it all is that if she was my age I would have had another mom and... blah blah blah... heh heh. Anyway, it was nice to hear that reverberating in her head. She loves and appreciates me. That is way cool. :)

stress identified

2009-04-07T22:31:00.001-07:00

It has become known to me that the cause of all the behavioral things I do that bother me is stress. Stress causes me to eat poorly and too much; stress causes me to escape into sleeping too much; stress causes me to shop like crazy to escape my feelings; stress causes my depression when I feel overwhelmed and incapable of managing my own life. Stress brings up all my feelings of being less than others.

I have also identified my stress.

It's money. I am stressed about money. I need some solid financial plan. I can not keep adding to my debt without paying debt off, and I certainly cannot make my life MORE costly than it already is, especially since I cannot pay for the life I am living as it is.

pressure

2009-03-29T21:52:00.000-07:00

Ever since I have gone on the Nutrisystem food thing, I feel like my mood swings have been greater. This is so not neccessariy true though, since I have been on nutrisystem for two weeks, and I think the time span that I am able to reflect on is limited to about two weeks.
I feel like I never get a grasp on how I really feel about myself, like it's always shifting back and forth, up and down. I can be feeling like I am very much on top of my life (which basically is a huge to do list), only to go to bed one night and "realize" (meaning; swing into another mood) that I am in fact backsliding into old behaviors and digging some hole I am in deeper. How does one really get to see reality when everything is clouded by self critisism or rosey glasses? ACK!!
It is as if I am constantly in need of a "get away from it all" weekend... but to feel like this every weekend? I need a life coach! Perhaps... perhaps this is something to address with a counsellor? But when I think of seeing a counsellor again, I think, "when on earth will I fit that in?".
My house is one jigantic pile of things that need to be addresed, tackled, completed. Avoidance is my only solace, because even on a day like today when I get a moderate amount of things accomplished, I can still go to bed thinking of the monumental amount of tasks that lie ahead. Especially on a Sunday, because Sunday is the day when I can no longer just focus on "me" and "house" stuff, but must prioritize JOB work, so mst of the "me" stuff gets put on hold, only to be lying in wait next Saturday morning when I finally pull myself out of bed and happen to let my mind drift into the "what should I do this weekend" zones of my reality.
Eating.... spending money I don't have... drinking and dancing... these things take me out and away from all the to-do's that seem to weigh me down.. but they have negative side affects, or consequences, that I am unhappy with. When I think about this stuff my eyes start to sting with stress tears. it is a really really sucky thing to be in a constant state of pressure. HOW does one make life NOT like this??

But you kow... I think there are days, or days srung together which make periods.. where I do NOT feel like this. I have no idea what makes it different. Perhaps staying on track with eating healthy, getting daily (yes Shardaun DAILY) excercise, making sure to do all the self care things every day like brushing my teeth, shaving, keeping my nails tidy, cleaning my hair.. things that make me FEEL good about being in my own body.

We tackled a bit more of my son's room today ... weeding out toys he doesn't play with, organizing the ones he does. It helps him appreciate the things he has; as soon as I was able to organize all the clothes and accesories he has for his bears he started playing with them, and he hasn't touched those in ages. The NEXT big thing I need to tackle is all my sewing and craft stuff. i seriously need to just get rid of crap I have not used in so many years. The PILE in the corner that was originally set up to be my sewing area is the most dismal area in the apartment now that Gabe's room is clean.

Oh how I ramble. I ramble beause I want to make sense of my saddened feelings tonight, but I don't think it will happen so quickly. Perhaps I will look into seeing a counsellor again. i could use some direction, and I feel as if I am in a slightly older, or perhaps wiser frame of mind, to be open to different levels of learning and awareness.

Last thing... while brushing my teeth tonight and having my hair pulled back off my ace, I noticed a stunning thing; I have MANY more white hairs than I used to, all sprinkled within my brown roots and making my hair look like it is actually off of someone elses head, since MNE has never looked like that before. They are beautiful! Like little strands of silver woven into my hair! If only I could keep those white hairs and still dye the rest red.

check in re; meds, schedules, and cats

2009-02-25T07:11:00.000-08:00

It is Wednesday.

A week is like a tiny schedule capsule; there are a certain amount of things that have to get done within that week, and then when the next week comes it is basically the same thing all over again. I am living the schedule that I believe I SWORE I would never live when I was younger. heh heh. Aahhh youth.

Lately my response to any show or song that expresses deep levels of compassion, or loss, I cry. It doesn't have to be a situation I can relate to. Sometimes it can just be the emotion that seems to be pulled up from a particular melody. It has been q

uite a nuisance, but it is also.... well.. it feels like it HAS to come out. Like I have this level of sadness inside of me, not that I feel it all the time and it certainly doesn't feel like anything specific, just this low level of "sad" that has to come out, so I have decided to try and let it. It's okay Shar, cry. We all need to cry sometimes. Don't even need to know why.

My son does NOT like seeing me cry though! He seems

capable of understanding though that sometimes it is in response to something really sad that happened on a show, and that MIGHT be okay (ie; it doesnt freak him out as much).

Yeah. OI think this is still my body readjusting from the meds ending. Yes, I believe it is all for a greater good.

I had a thought yesterday, as Cutey Pie maneuvered himself onto

my lap and then became leaden. Cats do not work to please us. They kinda live to please themselves (oooh, big idea huh!!), and it is THIS that allows me

somehow to appreciate them more. I am free to admire the way their fur curves around their bodies making cool designs, I can enjoy the way they know how to look cute and try to get things, I can indulge them in some warm lap time when there really are other things I should be doing. AND THEN, I can kick them to the curb without a second thought so I can be productive again, and there are no hurt feelings! Well, none that last very long....

the food cycle

2009-02-23T07:07:00.000-08:00

I spent the entire weekend, which was really a 3 day weekend, eating sugar and breads and pastas. Now I am sluggish, tired, unmotivated, depressed. THe correlation is impossible to not see. It is such a trap though, a self perpetuating cycle for me to get into.

I think I start out by letting myself have a little treat, a day of indulging is fine (right?). I have brownies for dinner. I have a leftover brownie with breakfast. I make spaghetti for lunch........ by this time I'm toast really; I am already in a bad way of not wanting to do anything really..... struggling with "you really should get ___ done" and "wow, it would be so nice if I just laid on the couch (or bed) and watched movies (or TV) for just one more hour". In bed I of course want to eat more of that delicious pasta I made.

Anyway.. I ramble because I am SO sleepy this morning. My point to myself is- I MAKE myself lethargic and a bit morose when I eat breads, pastas, and sugars. Period. How sad this thought makes me! Because I already know how HARD it is to fight these urges. Now that I am not on medication I feel it is even more important to listen to my brain and my body and become a healthier person, but doing this alone is SO tough.

I think also I end up mentally just adding it to my huge mental to do list, and it feels even more overwhelming, and I find myself wanting a cookie just to ease my stress.

So the old adage "one day at a time" seems appropriate here, does it not? I don't really ENJOY falling back on old slogan from N.A. days, but... if it ain't broke, don't fix it, eh?

TODAY I will eat healthy. Unfortunately, I can't also say "today I will get my divorce paperwork in, finish my budget, do three loads of laundry, clean the sink full of dishes, help Gabe get all his past due homework done, cook a nutritious dinner, trim my fingernails, clean the hamster cage, go for a run, alter two pairs of pants so they fit me, get in 7 hours of work, go out with a new meet-up group to learn Israeli dance, listen to my hypnosis CD before sleep, and get to bed at a decent hour so I feel rested in the morning.

Heh heh. Oh well, huh? One little step forward at a time right?

get off the drugs, man

2009-02-18T08:02:00.001-08:00

Lets see, it was....... a month and a half ago that I stopped taking my Prozac I think. I was running very low, I got so sick I couldn't get out of bed, and I had been wanting to get off of them anyway because it seemed the benefits had ebbed, so I just quit. This concerned many friends of mine, so I figured I should update my status.

I'm alive!! hee hee.... no, seriously....

Okay, I started taking Fluoxetine, which is generic prozac, about 4 years ago. Around the same time I started dating Michael actually, which is not I think the CAUSE of my prescription needs, but possibly indicative of my deeply insecure and frazzled state of mind at the time. I was experiencing strong bouts of paranoid thinking, where I felt on a deep level that the person in the car driving next to me was actually criticizing me just by looking at me, that the gas attendant at the station was laughing at me when he waked away, that co-workers were talking about me when I walked into the office. I was a full time mom and a full time employee, I drove 50 miles a day to get Gabe to and from grandmas, I bought my first home, and Gabe and I lived on a budget that was tight enough to not allow any eating out but for a fast food joint on Sundays.

I have noticed this past year at least that, although the intense panicky attacks have not been happening again, I can still get just as freaked out about myself in relation to my weight, parenting, social skills, responsibleness, and yes sometimes I do wonder if someone is chuckling at me. More often it just crosses my mind that I am falling short of where I "should" be. It seemed the effectiveness of the drug was waning.

The FIRST thing I find important is that I have lost these hives that I have been suffering from for at least a year. YAY! Seems my body was rejecting something in the fluoxetine that was causing welts and severe itchiness in random places on my body almost every day.

How do I feel? I am... well, I seem to be crying at silly things! It's almost like a slight case of hormonal imbalance, but it feels more REAL that PMS. What seems a fitting hypothesis is that my body is learning how to rebalance its emotions on its own, and that may take some time. I get crabbier, Gabe's temper tantrums but the CRAP out of me instantly, I feel MUCH more aware of how judgemental I can be towards others. I need less sleep! Well, I did until I got sick again, but I am recovering.

What I feel is the potential to do more self healing, on a deeper level, because I am training my own body how to self balance. I have been considering therapy again... the trick with that is that I need a particular therapist - one that can be most beneficial with all the therapy I already have and the knowledge already in me - and that takes so much time, weeding out therapists. Ooh, that sounded like an excuse! I suppose it was, my to do list is enormous, and one more to do right now feels too big...

Cheek kisses to all my friends and family. I am forever grateful to have you in my life.

drug substitute this weekend

2009-02-10T07:13:00.000-08:00

Well, I actually extended my weekend by 1/2. Gabe was a bit ill; diarrhea (or as he says, "diet poop") and severe sneezing and coughing. So MOM got a day off! I think it was not supposed to be a day off, only an opportunity to sleep in a tad bit, but this GAME has come in to my life, and as I was pushing myself into bed (away from the couch and the game console) I made some eerie comparisons to video gaming and drugs. Its one thing to make a comparison like that when it is someone ELSE I'm talking about, but completely different now that I'm looking at myself.

In fairness, I really am not judging myself on this one. What I'm seeing is a deep, psychological need to GET AWAY from reality. Even before any drug addiction, fantasy and pretend was an escape. I was SUCH a big reader when I was little; I would get super sucked into a book, and then for days or weeks afterwards I would relate everything to myself as if I was the main character in the book.

I chose playing this game over exercise, over eating anything healthy, over taking my kid anywhere, over getting laundry done, doing my JOB... blah blah blah... just like any god drug addiction. Seemingly, escaping my life was THE priority for a couple days. I wonder why? I am happy with my life. I love being a parent. My job is rewarding-ish. I have plenty of "to-do's"....oh, wait, the to do's, thats a whole nother blog (YES, I said "nother", I am in a love-hate relationship with this nonword).

"Fable 2" is this role playing game with non-turn based fighting that still isn't too hard for me, a treat. "Your" character is nicely customizable, and interacting with the NPCs is quite entertaining. There is a strong story line and plenty of main quests and side quests to give the player something to do for... well, probably for many, many days on end. I'm a fantastic beer slinger! My history knowledge sucks, but it is full of wood furniture, horse drawn carts, pots to piss in, long skirts, corsets, striped pants for the gents, gypsies, farmers, and city folk. Characters are even characterized as straight,, gay or bisexual. And there are cross dressers. And what you eat affects your weight. ANd of course you can choose to be good or evil.. I have a halo of course!

Sigh... if only, if only I could play for 5 days straight! But now I am running late! Gabe is curled up on the couch watching TV, OBVIOUSLY not wanting to go to school today... *another sigh*... I have to be the grown up dammit, and make it look like it's a GOOD thing at the same time. "YAy! Let's get dressed and go enjoy our day! Yippee!"

;)

the post that isnt

2009-02-05T07:28:00.000-08:00

... I was going to blog this morning, but then Joe called and we ended up talking for those 15 minutes I had, and now I have to run out the door. SO here is the post ODE to the post it could have been. I was going to write about "its complicated", the beautiful relationship status option in Facebook, and how it has exposed a little more of what is "normal" to me. Will write later ;)

horrible dream

2008-12-17T07:04:00.001-08:00

I dreamt that I neglected tens and tens of little furry animals. it was horrendous. I was with some other folks and we were needing to get soewhere, when suddenly I reamembered that there was a whole upstairs in this houseof mine (that I had been away freom) that was full of caged critters I had for some reason taken over the care of and I had not been there in three days, during a heat wave. So I went up there, on our way to take Gabe to one of his acting classes, and everyone was out of water and food, and many were dead or suffering extremely.
One cage housed hamsters and sugar gliders, and something like miniature moles. The moles had all pretty much died, and in their place was a teeming hive of those awful pincher bugs, those ear wigs.... eewww!!! I put a bowl of ..omg it was cheetos!... down for the hamsters, and the pincher bugs took over it. I had to ask someoe else to take are of those, because I hat them so much I couldn't go near them.
Another cage had this huge half cat half bunny. He was overheated and grouchy, big and black and fluffy. I took him out of the cage to soothe him and thought he was going to attack me.
I ended up cleaning up and restocking 10 out of the 40 or 50 cages in like an hour, and Gabe had totally missed his class. I felt neglectful, flakey, rresponsible, and evil because of the suffering I had caused. What a horrible thing to wake up from!!
I feel like I should be allowed to go back to sleep this morning and have pleasant dreams!

positive versus negative

2008-12-03T07:02:00.001-08:00

Oh, it is 7 a.m. already.... not so much time to write, but a start is better than a ...umm.. a non start.

When was the last time I wrote? (tuns to look), September 11th?!? Holy crap man. What has happened since then?

I have reoccurring hives. First time in my life. Of course doctor has no idea what they are from. Isn't that status quo from doctors? Most likely stress I hear. So it takes physical manifestations for me to acknowledge that I suffer from stress. LOL. After weeks of thinking things out and beating myself up for this lazy day or that undone to-do list, I came to an idea to try and NOT negate myself anymore. If I made a choice, a choice to say NOT get whatever task done but instead lounge in bed half sleeping for half a day, then THAT is the choice I made, and it was a successful one, because I DID it. My reasons for making my choices may be fuzzy to me, and I can explore these things, but to criticize my choice is ... well, it's silly really. All it serves is to put myself in a place where I feel "wrong", or broken, not working or functional. All of these things are VERY far from the truth. I am a person, connected to all other persons and all life. I breathe, I move, I eat, I sleep, I am aware, therefor I function, and quite well! To put myself down for my choices is to say that whatever experiences I have had in my life that have shaped me into who I am and create my chains of thought that lead me to make said choices are invalid or worthless. And when it comes down to that, I completely disagree. My experiences throughout my life have created a wonderful, thinking, conscientious woman, and I feel the spark that lies within me, that lies within us all. I can find that quiet place inside that exists without words or filters, that connects me to all others... therefor, I am not broken. My choices are valid. I do not make mistakes. Sometimes I don't fully understand all the factors that make me choose what I choose, and that is where I continue to grow.

And life goes on eh?

Okay! 7:13.... must.... pull myself away from the computer, go forth and be a productive member of society!

Today I will venture over to Bethums to entertain and amuse her in her state of brokenness and drug induced lethargy. As long as she doesn't ask me to COOK anything.... ;)

not another dream!

2008-09-11T06:55:00.000-07:00

It's the ones that seems important, or uninterpretable, that I want to write down. So :p

My dream was watching my son follow in my footsteps, literally, and forget to do his own life. Him and I were at his school. There were things I needed to take care of I guess, because I was staying there and walking around his campus, trying to find teachers and such... and Gabriel was staying with me. Sooner than later it was after noon, after their lunch time, and he was still with me, and I was actually waiting in a line to talk to his teacher, when she saw him in line and called him over to inquire why he wasn't in class. It all sort of shocked me then, I guess I wasn't really paying attention to his needs or his schedule. He wanted to hang with me and I didn't mind that at all. Realizing that I had been so wrapped up in my to do's that I had completely not paid attention to making sure HE took care of HIS to do's... it was just strange. I felt dirty, like a bad parent who has been called out.

So that was not a fun dream! Who wants to dream about being a selfish, self absorbed parent??

exercise

2008-08-13T07:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my ... (goes to count on calendar) sixth day at running as much as I could of two miles distance. NOT in a row, I go three times a week, missed one Saturday. It was also day 27 of my renewed exercise routine which is 6 days a week. Also though, I did miss two days one weekend. Still, I AM rocking it.

I don't remember ever trying running before. It's hard! My lungs are SO not used to taking in that much air. That's what stops me after 3 blocks or so is the needing to catch my breath before I can start again, walking another 2 blocks til I can go again. Yesterday though, yesterday was the first day that I felt a difference. I could go farther. It felt better. Just a smidgen, and by the end I needed a longer cool down, but my two blocks running two blocks walking turned in to three blocks running and one block walking. And now, my legs, oh god, I feel it in my legs. It's a good pain, I promise. Still, it's an amazing thing, actually feeling my body start accepting something new.

K... here is the greatest thing about working out. When I started, I was quite self aware the whole time, in the back of my mind wondering what people were thinking, how they must be judging or criticizing me. That is going away, which is what I wanted so badly to happen ~ to get so into what I am doing that the world sort of disappears for a brief time. Yeah... it's happening. And that makes me so damn happy. It is becoming mine, totally a me time thing. Yeah. I love it.

Sticking with it, I know it's going to be tough. Gabe comes back on Saturday, and I get to learn how to incorporate new things into the "family" schedule.

OH, I forgot to mention, Monday at my training session (I only have three left, too poor to buy more) we did kick boxing. Umm, helllooo, that was fun!

childhood idols

2008-08-05T08:27:00.000-07:00

It's been filtering through my mind lately, this though about my idols growing up. It was cool to be hard. I don't think I ever was as a kid; I was soft, affectable, feelings easily hurt. But I aspired to be that gal that was super fun and witty, yet had the ability to be unmarred by other peoples stupid actions, sort of rising above it all. Later that morphed into trying to emulate the really selfish people. Madonna I worshipped because of her hard edged self-centeredness. I believed that if you acted like you deserved the best treatment, you would get it. Unfortunately, my childhood had already preordained that I should play the victim role; the misunderstood and blamed one, the scapegoat. I perpetually laid myself down to be walked on, so that I could recreate patterns from my childhood that were comfortable I guess. Each time I would follow this by blaming myself for not being hard enough.

How many years of my life did I spend trying to be someone I am not? Most of my life. Somehow having a child allowed me to open up to the possibility that I am already who I am supposed to be, inside, buried underneath so many years of self effacement. I look at my child and I see... I see a beautiful, amazing thing that is strong and delicate at the same time. I look at him and I think of all the shame based identities I took inside of myself, and I think how could I have done that, if I was as glorious and amazing a child as this child is, how could anyone have wanted to destroy my spirit?

In my soul I can feel what is real truth. In my heart I can feel what connects us all. My sons spirit glows with love, he loves that he is so loved, as he should, as should we all.

keeps shaking my reality

2008-07-31T08:16:00.000-07:00

So, UGH, another dream! What is up with me having these dreams that affect me so much in the morning? It's like a constant these days, that I need a little adjustment time in the morning to re realize what's real and what was dreamt. I have NO idea what that means psychologically or anything.

So LAST night, I had a streaming dream (it kept coming back when I would go back to sleep) that I lost my car in a downtown parking lot, or that I lost my son in a residential neighborhood. The losing my son ended up being more earth shattering (I've had dreams before where I lost my car, it wasn't where I parked it, or I forgot where I parked it).

The police would only help me if there was a body to identify. I kept "forgetting" that my son was missing whilst getting into my day to day activities. I had NO idea how to look for a missing child without help, like a search crew. I walked around yelling "GABRIEL". I woke up numerous times having to remind myself that in this reality there was no missing child that I was forgetting about, that he was with family in our neighbor state, safe.

On the last episode of the dream, there was a man at the intersection where I last saw my son, and he had three tracking dogs, and was magically there to help me. One of the dogs grabbed his scent and almost immediately directed us to the holes in the street, to under the street, the sewer I guess. We somehow pried up a manhole, and I yelled "gabriel" into it, and LO, there he was! He was all oily, but in very good spirits for having been underground and alone without food or water for three days. So... *sigh*.... I woke up so severely confused and heart-shaken.

I did note that all THREE cats were snuggled in with me when I awoke. Did they know? I twas quite comforting. NOw of course I want nothing more than to stay home all day and nurture myself, for I feel that I have suffered a very real near loss.

things that make you say....

2008-07-26T13:02:00.000-07:00

... TWO movies have made me cry in the last 12 hours.

They both have everything to do with finding ones own happiness, believing in self, and not running away from what scares you.

Something must seriously be wrong with me I think.

identifying issues

2008-07-20T10:31:00.001-07:00

I have reunited with an old, old behavior of mine. I see a pattern. Within the last year I have had four times where I turned to physical validation to escape my insecurities. Each time alcohol was involved. Each time, in the moment, it felt so completely okay, and ended either with me feeling even more insecure and out of place, or one time even ruined a friendship (but it was a destructive friendship so I am probably better for it).

This identity of mine, this need for people to accept me and desire me, is old old old. When I was younger, it worked for me for a very long time though. When I was growing up I learned that basically the only way I was going to get any acceptance was to be the Marilyn Monroe of my social circles. Modernized, of course; embracing sexual freedom and not being dependent on any one person to "complete" me.

Years of self abuse, physical and emotional, have occurred. In a non self pitying way I can see that I am both more damaged and in other ways more healed than I was previously in my life. My identity being wrapped up in getting that validation though, is still a tangled, gnarly mess.

My living situation is odd. I live with a very depressed person. He still looks at me as someone who can be HIS validation. He doesn't yet want to grow out of his own feelings that he needs someone else to complete him. His feelings that he puts towards me are weighty, and bring me down when I don't fight them. Sometimes it is like I am battling my own issues and someone else's at the same time. I wish living alone was a simple, clean solution, but it is not, I can't afford it, and I don't like the idea of moving now just to move again a year from now when hopefully the man I do love plans on moving to California. I need to deal with the situation at hand, not run away.

So... what is my solution? First... I need to learn how to not act on impulses. I need to learn to implement my schedule of self care and stick to it. I need to look to the end of a choice, and try to see all the possible consequences. Very important, I need to acknowledge that how I am feeling when Im drinking is not necessarily how I feel when I am sober, and to stay with people I know I feel comfortable being myself around. Mostly though, and here is the one that sounds sooo hokey; I need to self parent, cuz what I am wishing I had was a nurturing, compassionate, loving adult in my life to guide me and support me, but since I am a GROWN UP, I am supposed to be that for myself. Gah, just writing that makes me cry! This grown up stuff sucks man!

So... off now into a shower, and pushing myself to clean up this hell hole of an apartment.

night fears

2008-07-16T07:37:00.000-07:00

I awoke at 4:00 a.m. from a dream that I guess really shook me up.

MG and I were in my car sitting in a parking lot. What store and the why I do not know, only that I was tired and I believe I laid down on the front seat. A car had pulled up two spaces beside us, full of truly ugly and badly aged men, and Michael knew them. He had gestured to them, but it seemed to go unnoticed. He gestured again a few minutes later and a few of the cronies nudged one guy in particular who was the "go to" guy I guess. It was a drug deal. The superlatively wrinkled man comes to the car with a bag and they do their "I'll take this and this, and three of that...". In the front seat Im wondering how MG managed to hook up with new dealers here in Sunnyvale, why he decided to do this now in the middle of the day, in my car, without telling me beforehand. The group of thugs in the car are now saying rude things MG's way about how indiscreet he is being (and really it's the other way around) and why is he still there... yada yada.. and MG is taking it. I finally sit up and look over at them and say how we could have been long gone had they not waited so fucking long to come over to the car and still now continued to yak away, making things obvious, and more obvious still how stupid they were.

Then I drove away. And MG was really pissed at me, starts yelling at me and calling me a ducking bitch or something. Just for calling them out on their extremely stupid stupidity and bullshit. He is humiliated that I busted their chops, it seems he want's their respect.

So there is a huge fight occurring between MG and I, as I am trying to drive. He is leaning over from the back seat and yelling at me and I think even interfering with the steering wheel. I decide Im going to pull over and just let him out, he can walk home, Im so pissed at this whole ordeal. I am going too fast to stop as succinctly as I want to though, and we go careening in a circle in the middle of a highway.

At one point MG hands me the bag, saying "look, look what I got!", and it looks like treats and wine from 7=11 that he buys almost every day in real life. I drop it out the window to show him that I don't care about that kind of crap anymore... and it falls and shatters, to which I feel bad about for about 7 seconds. He is incensed.

There is more driving while fueled with rage. More careening. At one point I am trying to get him out of the car, he is in the front seat now, and the passenger door is open, but he will not get out. I want him to shut the door, but he is so wasted he can't manage anything, and I start swerving to avoid hitting parked cars with the door.

I hit... something... somewhere. I don't remember if it was a hit and run, a pedestrian, a car, lots of speed bumps. I am becoming worried about the condition of my car, and of the possibility I have done illegal driving moves I will get fined for. SO there is a large forested park in the middle of the city that I slow down and start to cut through on the road. It grows dark in there, covered by huge trees. Suddenly a light comes on inside my dashboard that says car has been disabled, and I no longer have an y power in my vehicle except to brake. It is pitch black, I can't see anything, the parked cars, nothing. All I want to do now is park my car so my eyes can adjust and I can figure out what has happened. My mind is racing with the possibilities of my dash lights meaning; did I damage my car too severely, did someone write down my license plate and the police remotely shut down my car? I start asking drivers by for help parking my car, because I can see them via their headlights, and finally a guy pulls over and helps me, and gives me his cell phone. I think I call Scion, and the news I get from them is... I don't remember... but I was feeling a little less hopeless about the situation.

Then my mother pulls up, and walks over. And I am relieved to see her! She hugs me, and I smile up at her and ask her how on earth she knew where to find me...

Her voice is sweet and caring, "Oh, honey, you have no idea what this is all about? Shar, you practically killed someone"

And inside me there is a tidal wave of life change. Suddenly because of my rage and recklessness, my life is changed forever, and every direction I thought I might be going in my future is altered. I felt weak and sick and horrified.

And I woke up.

Dreams that shake me so to my core are few and far between. I have some ideas on this one, that I will ponder later.

dreaming of water and dirt

2008-06-27T07:44:00.001-07:00

This morning in my dream I was landscaping a grandmothers yard. I don't know or remember exactly who's house it was, but t was someone's grandmother. It was located on a dead end street like my fathers mother, long since passed, but the house was nicer in my dream. I had hired two friends, well one friend and her accomplished landscaping friend, to help me clean out these severely over weed infested flower beds. They cleared out one flower bed on the side of the house only to discover an enormous jade plant. It was beautiful, only they called it a maple tree or something. In the front of the house there was a long rectangular flower bed running half the length of the yard, in which I discovered one long, super prickly blackberry vine rooted down in about 10 places. I tried pulling it once with my hands, and got pricklys all in my fingers. So the "accomplished landscaper" came over to help me, and we cut the vine and pulled out all the roots. What we found underneath the mess in that flower bed was an oversized tree root from the huge tree in the center of the yard. Supposedly it was the roots fault that the yard was such a disaster. We cut it back, and they left a bunch of flowers for me to plant, and the yard looked gorgeous. Only I was the one in the house, "grandma" was nowhere to be found. Hmm.... at one point when I was cutting out the blackberry vine, a branch landed on my friends foot and she freaked out because she is allergic to ivy, and suddenly the blackberry vine was poison ivy.

Okay though, the weirdest, or perhaps more meaningful part of the dream, was after all this. There had been heavy rain somewhere near where I was, but we weren't anywhere near an ocean or any large body of water. It had not been raining where I was in the dream either. None the less, suddenly up the street I saw a rush of water coming down towards our dead end. It was a flood. Oh yeah... hen I first walked out of the house, after the landscaping, the ground was covered with about 4 inches of water, and it hadn't been raining. that's when I realized something bad was afoot. Then the crashing wave of water about 5 feet high that came rushing down our dead end street, dissipating through the red cedar and chain link fence. I went running into the house to catch the news, on the huge wooden cabinet console tv.

Then my son woke me up.

2008-06-12T07:05:00.001-07:00

I was full of inspiration this morning, but I went on to twitter first, and was amazed to see I had followers I had no idea about. I got so caught up in checking them out that time got away and now I must leave soon to take the spawn to his LAST day of school as a first grader! I took him out yesterday and splurged, got him a digital camera that does a nice amount of video too onto a 2 gb sd card. It is a sweet little camera with user friendly cartoony icons, the brand is not coming to me right this second. It ends in "ax", that is what I can remember. From Wolf I also got him the two year protection service plan which will repair ANY damage. Smart purchase that insurance I thought, for a soon to be 7 year old.

Okay, I had a dream last night. It was all about the sons last day of school, and my memory. The dream started with me at work and it was nearing 5:00 p.m. think I realized that I was supposed to pick up Gabeish at 11:40 and started panicking that I would have missed the pick up AND that no one called me, when I realized he was there at the office with me. I was n a deeply puzzled state, because I realized I had no memory of anything before the present, no memory of getting him to school, getting to the office, picking him back up, anything. It was seriously freaking me out. So much so that there was a deep deep sense of relief in me when I finally wriggled in bed and saw my bedroom window, which dragged me far enough into wake land to realize it was a dream. The most alarming thing of the dream is the sense of panic it instilled in me, the WEIGHT of the relief was solid enough to actually cut with scissors I'm sure.

There were other things in the dream too. Monica had bought a huge amount of chocolate ingestibles, I assume for her trip to LA, and the fridge was full of cookies, chocolate milk, little cream filled bite sized chocolate thingys. I succumbed, eating handfuls of snacks. Her dogs were blocked off to half of the downstairs of the house too, doors were shut and couches and pillows were stacked up in childhood fort style, to keep them from the rest of the house. Neither of these things would ever happen in real life.

So now it is getting later and I want to shower before I venture out into the "THEM" that is this community of man I live in. I want to stay home today! I want to write! I want to craft! I want to collect massive amounts of cat hair on my back side from lounging on my bed! And for your viewing pleasure, to go with my wants list, here is my baby Spackle watching me knit the other day. You can almost see the evil glint in his eyes as he fights the urge to slay my yarn.

randomness

2008-06-01T20:10:00.000-07:00

I forgot my blog password! I had many, many brilliant things to ponder, and the writing of such things has all been lost now due to my inability to record passwords....

I cut up all my credit cards today. It may be true that my emotional waves this past week are all extended-PMS-caused, but it is also factual tha

t I have a SERIOUS emotional connection to shopping, and it is getting me into some serious trouble again. Cutting up all my cards is step one. Step two I believe is adding up all my credit card debt and writing out a biweekly payment plan I can afford and can stick to. Lately it seems credit cards are the way I have been able to stick to my spending plan for paying my share of rent and bills and still escape emotionally into my world of carefree excess. I have a problem!

Problems.. bleh... it seems I am in a living quandary. I do not feel comfortable with m

y living situation right now. I am the single person responsible for house cleaning, grocery shopping, calendar keeping, cat upkeep, bill paying. I can't completely complain about this, since I do seem to be a person who likes to be in control. Or I should say, I am more comfortable being IN control than NOT in control. Being the one person who cleans house and does all the home management stuff also makes me feel more inclined to pay less toward house things also, and that's a good thing. There is a depressing air here though. There is a "den of iniquity" so to speak also, drinking, smoking, sleeping all day, waiting for me around every corner of this home, more than willing to let me slip into it's anesthetizing haze. I get frustrated feeling like somehow I always need to be a little bit stronger than I am. Of course, I also set myself up to feel like I fall short of where I think I am "supposed" to be, because feeling not good enough is my old comfort zone. I am tangled in a mental mess of misconceptions and emotional scabs. Eewwww...

My shopping therapy today consisted of roller skates and all the gear for my son and I! Yes,

this was immediately before I cut up all my cards. Roller skates are something I have wanted to get for a couple years now, so it is sort of SERIOUSLY cool, es

pecially since Gabers put them on and is all ready to learn with me!

Hmmmm, do I have anything else to mutter about tonight? No, not really, since Gabe is here now needing to be prodded into bed instead of Watching MG play GTA4. I still have to get two hours of work in. I had all weekend to do this work of course, but I am a professional procrastinator. it seems the amount of TV I watch is directly proportionate to how much work I also need to get done over the weekend.

small appreciations

2008-05-15T07:17:00.000-07:00

There are things in my life I am acutely aware of loving deeply.

I love watching my son sparkle and glow when he figures out how mathematics work.

I love my cats' affection for me.

I love cocoa butter on my skin from my bath water, because I love how soft my skin is.

I love the end of a day after I thoroughly enjoyed everything I accomplished, then curling up on to crisp clean sheets and doing crossword puzzles until my eyelids are heavy.

morning fuzzies

2008-05-08T07:22:00.000-07:00

My thoughts... my brain.. always running, flying off in multiple directions, makes it hard to go to sleep at night.

What frustrates me the most about my mental capacity is that it is so controlled by my hormones and whatever other chemicals in my body change my daily emotional state. One day I can have something deeply personal all figured out, like the oneness of life, how we are all connected, and feeling so content in my little place in it all. The next morning I can wake up and be paranoid that I am too fat, too brain damaged, too slow witted, too *insert myriad of other delusions here* to really fit in or be accepted anywhere.

IS it like this for everyone???